&

lovers & monsters

i want a life infused with expression. i want to be surrounded by creation and creators.
spark.
ignite.
all-consuming and consumed.

"Art is the act of admitting that often before us are monsters and lovers."

define freedom

youonlygetoneyouonlygetoneyouonlygetoneyouonlyget
one.

freedom sounds like a lack of alarm.
it sounds like the first of three days of
rain outside this window
which i may
or may not
be here
to hear.
It sounds like the promise of pages
(they have been so patient)
(you have all been so patient)
And freedom is only a matter of time.

There is enough room in freedom to wiggle-
to curl your toes around its edges
and to feel the give.
There is room enough in freedom to make a choice to stay
(it is a matter of choice when there's nothing new to say)
There is room enough in freedom to walk away
(but freedom does not run, because it is not afraid)

.

bliss

You know what I want to do today? I want to sit around and talk about how odd human experience is. And laugh. And come to conclusions. And write them down. Maybe illustrate. I want to read trashy magazines and drink coffee til midnight. That is what I want to do today.

but I do and I will

Threw away rotting produce.
It's too cold to eat.
Too cold to sleep.
Too cold to love.
Too cold to care.

a cockroach, indeed.

forward, march

Today an NPR segment talked about how people are unable to walk in a straight line beyond about 20 or 30 steps while blindfolded. In fact, we can't do anything in a straight line for very long... swim, drive... They've been studying this for at least a century- blindfolding people, asking them to do random things, and observing.

The interesting thing is, not only do the people veer off the straight path, they inevitably begin to move in circles. Walk in circles. Drive in circles. Swim in circles... and these circles usually get tighter and tighter the longer the person persists.

There is something innate in us that begins to retreat backward when we do not have stimulus to cue us to the present. And we persist, all the while under the impression that we are moving forward.

I think the heart works like that too.

When the way ahead isn't clear, we innately return to places we've been. Lessons we've already learned. Experiences and emotions already played out. Nostalgic circles winding tighter and tighter, and all the while we think we're moving forward. We think we've gone somewhere new.

Be here now. Look for the cues. Forward, march.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/krulwich/2010/11/03/131050832/a-mystery-why-can-t-we-walk-straight

i think in the fall we do

is this what it is all about?

ten hours of unadulterated sleep in which i dreamt i was in love with my bald uncle. slowly taking care of the demands of the day, but i have a crate full of projects from 3 weeks ago that i still haven't touched. no idea what i am going to do tomorrow. don't feel like even thinking about the maintenance involved in the day to day. showering. dusting. putting gas in the car. paying bills. checking things off lists.

for what? for what?

summer fun is fun. caught up in the impulse of everything. such short sighted revelry. it is all in the moment and right before us and blinding. fall means dim and a certain curling up. a certain stepping back and analyzing. a scrutinization and a questioning. and an ache.

we find ourselves doing things we're not sure we want to be doing in the name of needs or wants further removed. in the summer we don't question those twice removed motives. i think in the fall we do.

then

The past was brilliant. The future, bright.

"Tonight was a great night.
Politics is fun.
When I am sitting in the middle of a dinner party
positioned right next to a demolition derby and eating
chicken with a state house candidate and a Justice on
Michigan's Supreme Court, I think about you and I
think about how all light blue candles smell like you,
and these thoughts make me smile. Your are a real
jungle beauty Lindsey. You can never see you, but
once in a while you appear out of nowhere and eat the
farmer's chicken before returning to wherever you
come from. You better be achieving something down
there. I don't care what it is, but it better be
something.
Love you in all the right ways.
--- Lindsey wrote:

> When she got to the door, she could still hear his
> car running at the curb. She wanted to look back,
> but she knew that in a certain sense, it would mean
> she had lost. She took her time finding her key-
> she was always losing her keys in the bottom of her
> purse. She thought that, of all the people that she
> really knew with any degree of depth, that he would
> have understood the ache. In fact, she was almost
> sure that he did. A few days would pass before she
> would come to the conclusion that his denial of the
> "reality" of it all was just a projection of his own
> sadness.. his own loneliness. But for now, she was
> exhausted. Tired from talking only to find herself
> unheard. She had loved him. She knew he knew that
> much. She found the keys and was so lost in thought
> that she hadn't noticed that the car was still
> running on the road. It wasn't until she was near
> sleep that she realized that she had never really
> heard him leave. She considered the fact that he
> might still be by the
> street... waiting... and she let the thought take
> her to sleep.
>
> Justin wrote:When I told her that
> it wasnt real the last time she
> looked at me as though she wanted to be hurt but
> didn't know how. She left the car and walked away as
> I yelled her name and then "oh...come on". She was
> tired of discussing her relationship with him with
> me
> and wanted to be angry but she didn't know how. All
> she could feel was sad, sad for her family, sad for
> her friends, sad for the love that she didn't have.
> I
> had been a break from the sadness from time to time
> but was now part of her cycle. I felt guilty
> watching
> her leave but I didn't follow her.
>
>
>
>
> --- Lindsey
> wrote:
> > sometimes you have a little glass family inside of
> > you and i love that. i love who you are and that
> > you are my friend. sorry about the drunk part,
> > better luck next time. carl and i have been
> > emailing off and on. supposedly he's in Oregon.
> > Have you heard from him? if not, tell me and i'll
> > forward some of his emails on. they're refreshing
> > and beatiful
> >
> > my legs hurt like jello nails. i ran 4 miles
> today.
> > the worst part is- that's only a quarter of the
> way
> > to the goal. ughh.
> >
> > i am angry at you. you never told me to love Doug
> > Blocksma. you even saw him. you even knew that he
> > liked comic books. and you didn't tell me to hold
> > on to him. i blame you for it all. i would have
> > listened to you , you know. now, for all i know,
> > it's too late. thanks for ruining my life.
> >
> >
> > when you're not with me, i'm blue.
> > blue's clues. en espanol. please bear with me.
> > it's all i can do and this has been a helluva.
> i'll
> > be home in august and i hope i show up on your
> door
> > someday and maybe you'll be there. except you'll
> > have to do the buzzer thing first before i can
> > really come to your door. and... tell sean kemp
> > hello and that he's got beautiful eyes. tell
> > yourself that you're beautiful all over.
> >
> > Love, Linds
> >
> > Justin wrote:
> > Uhm, I didn't understand a word of what you just
> > said,
> > could you repeat that pleasE? My brother saw you
> in
> > ohio but he was singing and there was a rapture
> and
> > then blood shed so he didn't have time to say
> hello.
> >
> > I miss you like I would miss my left arm. It still
> > feels like I can use you but your not here and all
> I
> > have is memories of you and It feels like your
> here
> > all the time but your not. Ha. Me and sean just
> got
> > really drunk and I am drunk right now. I will
> spend
> > the next hour trying to channel you in my mind.
> Tell
> > me if anything happens. If you need a new car I
> have
> > one you can have. Wait no I don't I lie alot. Miss
> > you when your not here. Or when I think about you.
>
> > Thats more accurate. Hope life is happy and bye.
--- Lindsey
wrote:
> > ohio means good morning in japanese. currently, i
> >just tried to play raquetball in flip flops
> >unsuccessfully. i do homework. go to class. work.
> > i cut people's hair and eat food and fall in love.
> >i walk to and from school through the ghetto and i
> >love the stray cats and the street fights. i write
> >music and round up bongo players. next month i'm
> >recording. this month it rains a lot. i was down
> >in the valley for a few weeks. a really hard few
> >weeks. i'm coming out of it. lessons learned.
> >time to slow down and enjoy life"

_____________________________________________________________________
the present shimmers in its own real way.

this is part of that

And you knew this would happen.
This is part of that.
Suffer the hours.
See the ugly-
the unapologetic-
and wrap it in your solitude until it does not shriek.
Only forward
by small
shrouded steps
and
unknown is all it will ever be.
Death. Departure.
(when nothing turned something turns nothing again)
We approach cautious or casually.

and when we
know,
it will be too late to retrace
or to catch our breath

A heart kept is a heart in decay.
A heart given is buried alive
but beating.
Beating still.

More Than Myself

"Not that it was beautiful,
but that, in the end, there was
a certain sense of order there;
something worth learning
in that narrow diary of my mind,
in the commonplaces of the asylum
where the cracked mirror
or my own selfish death
outstared me...
I tapped my own head;
it was glass, an inverted bowl.
It's a small thing
to rage inside your own bowl.
At first it was private.
Then it was more than myself."

matters

so, we only get one life, right? and one body to experience it in. and all along we´re loathing or trying to adjust or learning to appreciate this body that´s really just bent toward decay and changing fast anyway. humans are such babies as a species. i feel like we don´t even come close to placing value on what really matters. or...giving it the attention it deserves. but...i have no idea what matters. i have no idea what is important and what is disposable.

self image? community? survival? patriotism? faith? financial security? expression? words? memories? family? animals? space exploration? the moment? goals? laughing? thinking? babies? beauty? solitude? avoiding pain? embracing pain? preparedness? spontaneity?

what am i supposed to crave when the demands of the day are met?

what the fuck matters?

Spoken.Written.

When I was loading my entire life into my car to move west, she made a big huff about not making room for a $15 toaster she had bought me on a visit to Philly. I made it fit; I judged her for her petty shortsightedness. Four years later, I have no idea what happened to that toaster, but I wish I had it now. I've been craving toast.

"A merely clever man is partial to self, despising other, vaunting ego; the man of understanding takes the larger view: nothing exists to take exception to. Nothing is real."

Despite all his thinking and believing, R. Kelly has yet to fly.

At some point a few weeks ago, I made the decision to be less active on facebook. I have been better for it. Now I look at people more. Welcome silence. A sense of decluttering of the mind. I do not feel any negative impact from not being up to speed on other people's minute to minute statuses. I have been trying to live deliberately, even if it's through lulls in conversation or waiting in lines.

I highly doubt that at the end of my life I will wish that I had spent more time keeping up with people on the internet. I'm trying to live here. now. not in some quasiauthentic virtual space.

Not never, just less.
Choosing deliberately instead of just default habit.
Being aware of how I am spending my thoughts and my time.
It has made a difference. Really.

"Well, God said in the Bible you're supposed to honor the Sabbath, so you need to go."

Invincible.
Intense/Placid.
Indifferent/Interested.
All of the Above.

expectation

"Choosing not to become the person your family expected is painful. You have to leave their world completely just to make sense of your own life. And then fate lures you back whenever it can to give you a chance to measure the distance between yours and theirs... and to see if it's just as far as you remembered."
-This American Life, NPR love

alien

Thought:

Dehumanizing crazy downtown/urban dwellers is easy to do because they so effectively dehumanize themselves.

At what point in the divorce from reason does humanity go, too? Never? Even when they can't string together a comprehensible sentence? Even when they see their own lives through a smudged pane? Even when they urinate freely in public? Even when (whether due to their own choices or sheer shitty luck of unfortunate birth circumstance leading to susceptibility to make poor choices where others might not) they've certifiably and irrevocably lost their minds?

What makes any of us human?

Many worlds in this one, alien and ignorant. Not all are as conducive to sustaining life.

here's to hoping

L-
You make me smile to think that others feel remotely the way that I do every second of my life. My life is beginning to show signs of relief. I hope that you feel the same now. I'm sorry you have to worry about stupid papers. Eventually they will be a thing of the past and get to eat ice cream and walk around naked the moment you walk in the door.
I miss you dreadfully.

apathy

this morning i drove past
an accident (crash) i very nearly witnessed
(thump)

airbags deployed and went limp (flaccid)
engine
smoking after impact

i barely looked-
worried more about making the green before sirens muddled up the whole scene.

forgotten phantom panicked face
in the passenger window.

impassive
nearly asleep awake
but something moves in my periphery
something stirs me
from cold

everyone in their single shells (loaded and cracked)
(ready) (or not)
(categorized)
(scrutinized)
(one of a dozen) (or more)
all bent toward decay
sooner or later
and still we do.
i am largely uninspired.

some outrageously beautiful and constant strength

S:

L: You are experiencing the gut wrenching aspect of being human. You are facing down the heavy and the ache and the daring to love. It is always a dare. Always a risk. You are having to realize- to feel in that unbearable way- that connecting with others means being vulnerable to a lack of control. It is humbling. Makes you feel limbless- stranger to self. Welcome, though. Welcome to it. let it all fall apart. ... And don't even think of dating until you feel good on your own.

S:

L: Have you left the house today? Make yourself leave the house today.

S:

L: And it GOES in waves. Minute by minute. One foot in front of the other.

S:

L: Crazy is an ok place to feel. At your core, you are not.

S:

L: Damn. Damn. On a positive note... you were doing fine. focus on the fact that for a good stretch of hours you were ok. you will get there again. What is your plan for today?

S:

L: Cling to the little moments of ok for dear life... even knowing that they're probably temporary. Lose yourself in the ok. Keep me posted- progress... distraction... steps.

S:

L: Of course, of course. You're doing well.

S:

L: Let it be enough. Could be years. Could be never. there is no calculating these things. you will never regret taking this time- however long or short it may be- to figure out you... to be good with you... to know yourself on your own two feet. Embrace the lack of accountability... try new things... eyes wide open and ready to embrace and refigure your worldview on your own terms.

...

You will find that you are a remarkably rare type of person... which will be lonely, perhaps, at first... but eventually will turn into some outrageously beautiful and constant strength. You are your own creation.... always... which can be terrifying or empowering. let it empower. embrace.

written

Eliot

Contentedness and the inability to

be moved

(swayed)

while retaining the ability to feel.

risk.

without becoming vacant.

We are rarely victims- mostly volunteers.

What do you volunteer yourself to?

What are you choosing?

We do the damnedest things to feel a sense of purpose.

I rode late with no knife.

Old people holding hands after[an assumed]all.

We're all rubbish.

We are all teeming with potential

and I ignore stoplights.

real freedom

"of course, there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the "rat race" -- the constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing." -David Foster Wallace "This is Water"

I've been surprised to learn that DFW finds resisting isolation so important to personal happiness/freedom/identity.

I don't know much of the guy {yet}, but i had an image of a brilliant, cynical, reclusive genius author man... not a man who sees value in sacrifice for others or pursing authenticity in relationships with others.

This whole idea is a fresh thought. I understand the importance of genuine interaction and love for others... I understand that so much of our identity is contingent upon our relationship with others....

but i always bristle a little when sacrifice for others or concern for others is valorized or privileged above self knowledge... (not that it is in this particular quote... but my first reaction was to read it as such).

it's some kind of balance... paradoxical... but self is so important. so important.

self-knowledge and genuine concern for your own basic needs, in my mind, are the absolute first steps in authenticity in interaction with others.

in other news: best summer of my life and flying by and freedom and eyes wide open and healthy living and wonderful wonderful others

our own light

been

been absent

cause

been in Europe

and

been living

don't lose sleep

school ended.

teeth

teeth

what matters?

someone died today.

loss.

fear of losing.

it was good, last week, in conversation

to hear myself saying, "that was when i was sad"

like it was a billion years ago

a childhood memory

formed by it, but so far removed

i have been immeasurably happy

and am

but it occurred to me

that i will not always be

this happy-

that sad will make its round again.

what matters

in a world where people

are lost?

now

happy or sad

matters

maybe.

do not succumb to unfounded fear

do not dwell on if

but make a little

home in now

without boundary

Sound bytes:

"Ms. I, is it bad for someone not to believe in God?"

"What do you mean by bad?"

.... "I don't know... like, my cousin is an atheist."

"People are always growing and changing and trying to figure things out. It is OK to question."

Concerning students/people who defy expectations:

"What it comes down to is someone at some point told them they could do anything they wanted to do."

Why her parents chose to raise her as they did:

"No one told them that who they are is enough. No one encouraged them to do what they wanted. So they made the conscious decision to raise us differently."

Maybe the most important role of teachers/parents rests in paradox. To provide a framework from which to view the world, but also to encourage them to challenge or question or explore outside of the framework. To set clear limits and at the same time to teach them that there really are none.

like a field of forces

although i've broken ties with a belief in god, i wonder what to think about the whole idea of the transcendent.

because i have (had) moments

of transcendence.

(transcendence from what? to what? into what? retreat or advance? an acute awareness of being, the way the present moment consumes any thought of past or future, embodying freedom at whatever cost)

whatever this is... this deep deep peace and contentedness... i want it to stay. i feel more of a sense of wonder and awe at life and the natural world than i have in a long long time.

free to wonder and feel and be.

"The disappearance of all things and of the I leaves what cannot disappear, the sheer fact of being in which one participates, whether one wants to or not, without having taken the initiative, anonymously. Being remains, like a field of forces, like a heavy atmosphere belonging to no one, universal, returning in the midst of the negation which put it aside, and in all the powers to which that negation may be multiplied." -Levinas

"Talk of mysteries! think of our life in nature, - daily to be shown matter, to come into contact with it, - rocks, trees, wind on our cheeks! the solid earth! the actual world! the common sense! Contact! Contact! Who are we? Where are we?" -Thoreau

i suppose moments of transcendence could be explained away through some reference to the interplay between our cognition and emotions. and i suppose emotions could be explained away as some evolutionary function that allows us to avoid hurt, overcome challenges.... and that's all fine and good. but shhhhhhh... i feel no desire to explain it away. i want to feel and i want to stay.

what i do know is

what i do know is

it is good to be.

honestly.

looking up

The Bell Jar Sylvia Plath:"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

Content.

Full enough from contemplating the branches.

Not stagnant

but in no hurry.

Only until very recently did I come to understand or appreciate the Tolkein quote,

"Not all who wander are lost."

The crotch of the tree is not necessarily a bad place to be.

Looking up. Peace.

It is good to be still

It is good to be

It is good

It is

It

it is now and i know that much

still processing

i am easily distracted as of late

can't read a book

or sing a song

with my whole heart or attention.

i bought a bike and i ride it sometimes.

green.

What is ever right? How do we ever know, in life, what is worth risking... what is better left unexplored... what is worth fighting for and what is better left alone?

everyday decisions. risks. worth. moments amplified that impact the present

impactingeverything

at 27, i feel less certain of what i want or what the point may be

than when i was 22

but i am not so afraid of that, really. not really.

debt insurance expired car registration 17 page paper due in 2 weeks and no thesis

what is my point?

what is it that i hope to prove?

infinite interpretations

freedom and paralysis

lightness and a dull, dull weight.

i hope your heart is light.

debate

youtube: Christopher Hitchens vs. Turek

14 segments.

Dear Christians, Preaching to the choir will not prepare you for debate. -L

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IM-6FnArd3M

descarte's grave stone reads

"He who hid well lived well."

i waver

I finished God Is Not Great in the airport yesterday. While his argument style may not be flawless, it addressed and answered to so many of my reservations about the practice of religion.

(Everything I am saying or thinking or writing or grappling with has been said or thought or written or grappled with by many many people many many times before repeat repeat repeat. there is some kind of comfort there)

I am beginning to realize that probably this summer I will have to destroy my mother's world. On the phone last weekend, I heard myself answering back to her faith talk with old faithful rote replies, and it made my skin crawl. I still know the language, but I do not subscribe.

It must be,

but I dread it.

Deliberation.

I don't do well with dishonesty

but it is not always so easy

to articulate the truth.

I am growing more and more distant

from the possibility of a return...

A really difficult part of all of this

has been learning to navigate my personal growth and changes

with others who are happily fixed in theirs.

maybe I will always waver

maybe I will always wander

maybe I am wired this way

...

i am facing an altogether different kind of leap.

i hope this anticipation is more difficult than the aftermath.

i hope i am right to hope that people are resilient.

out in it

my body is wrecked and i am thinking so slowly

but my heart is full and calm

despite it all

unforeseen crossroads

This message from a friend says it better than i have the energy to articulate:

(I have AMAZING friends)

"my need for answers has been distilled simply to the need for assurance that if there are answers, they will find me before it's too late. before i fuck things up beyond repair.

does God exist or is it the existence of a "god" that we need to keep us in line, compel us to be better, to be more, than we would be without that tension?

why are we eaten alive by trivialities? why does every thing i (think i) know seem to contradict itself at unforseen crossroads?

my friend's parents died in a plan crash last week. another friend's uncle committed suicide, leaving behind a note explaining their financial woes and how the life insurance money will fix everything.

i can't find my compass. all the hypotheticals. the landslide of choices is crushing my ability to see clearly.

i've given up Kierkegaard for Bukowski.

i wonder if my inability/refusal to connect with others is a self-imposed prison born out of some fear.

that old catchphrase-- find out who you are. "self-discovery"
-is this something already there, something intrinsic? or is it something we construct with the millions of decisions we make?

maybe everything is seen clearly only when it is finished, in retrospect. like you can't really know ANYTHING about death until you experience it.

to love and be loved. trite. or true?

what is my indifference?
fear the greatest motivator?
suffering the only true crucible?
the sweetness of pain born from risks that don't pay off?

i love whiskey. and good music. and yes, i still love cigarettes. great conversations. uncontrollable laughter. the economy of well-chosen words. the long days of summer, warm and windy. old photographs. red shoes. the cello. henri. vulnerability. chess & crossword puzzles. the idea of a love affair.

i hate the suffocation i feel when the phone rings. i hate pleasantries. the news. our inability or refusal to be deliberate. expectations. my impulse to buy everything that's on sale. having to go to bed. not being able to sleep when i am ready to go to bed. the reality of a love affair.


i'm sending all this absurdity your way because you are one of a few that will understand and will know that a response is not necessary, but welcome.

let me know when you get there."

so delicate. so exhausted. wanting a long reprieve with no termination date.

conviction

Response to yesterday's post:

When I read this, my heart started beating out of my chest. I realize that it was meant in jest to a degree, but this status was preceded and followed by other serious and strongly worded updates concerned with how terrible and immoral he feels the healthcare reform business is.

I am troubled by this for many, many reasons.

First, the obviously hypocritical nature of the statement.

Second, the fact that so many people liked it. This includes one of my very good friends. As soon as she responded to the post, i texted her some of my thoughts on the issue. she apologized and said it that i was right and that it made her think, but she has yet to retract her comment. it is possible that she doesn't know how). This bothers me because it indicates that this was not just an idiotic statement made from one person, but an idiotic statement that many people of like mind agree with and applaud.

Third, although he may have been joking, this sort of entitlement to judge based on religious conviction is DANGEROUS- even in joking. It implies that some people are better off dead because they do not share the same convictions... it implies that were Obama to suffer from a terminal illness or be killed, that the poster would celebrate his death... have no consideration for the fact that A MAN died, or that a family is grieving, but only care for the fact that a figurehead who he disagreed with no longer held position. While these types of posts may only be flippantly expressed sentiments, they are the beginnings of the type of indoctrination and passionate convictions that lead others to believe in holy war and other atrocities. the fact that so many got a good chuckle and decided to like this "prayer" terrifies me.

People joke about all kinds of sensitive issues all the time. I probably partake myself unknowingly, and I do not ask to be excused.

I do not wish for us all to become oversensitived crybabies who can't take a joke once in a while,

but I would ask that the people who proclaim to value the sanctity of human life reflect such conviction in all areas of their life, not just at March for Life rallies or when it comes to the lives under their own church roofs.

I would ask that people

think

about implications... about empathy... about who they proclaim their god to be.

conviction

..Matthew B... I cannot take credit for this prayer as i am not the author but it is definitely one i am beginning to pray on a daily basis: Dear Lord, This past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcet, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just want you to know that Obama is my favorite President!

Yesterday at 10:27am · Comment ·

6 people like this.

Lindsey

i think that is really messed up.

Yesterday at 1:17pm ·

Rob

Messed up. Yes. Reminds me of an awful bumper sticker I saw: Pray for Obama, Psalms 109:8...

Yesterday at 3:21pm

Kathleen

Very funny, I like this!

Yesterday at 6:56pm

Jessica

love this, thanks for sharing this beautiful prayer!!

sad hours

sad hours seem long

across the world

sudden plunge

cold then adjust

skin learns itself in new surroundings

let those toes find and search the floor & lightness will bring you up again.

brave enough to sink

light enough to float

Also: I got my passport in the mail today. Also: started the music collaboration last night. Also: summer might be as difficult as it is wonderful. a lot of time for thinking means enough time to actually start to process and figure. Also: feeling a little melancholic.

shape up

I have every reason to still be confused and overwhelmed, but the storm has been tempered for the last few weeks. Same questions, same confusion, but muted somehow. A little part of me can understand how people live whole lives filled with slow commutes to and from work and whole nights in front of the television. It is so much easier on many many levels. But for whatever reason, it will never be enough for this little heart or brain.

So, I've been pushing myself in the smallest ways.

I ran for five whole minutes two days ago. My legs were ridiculously achy yesterday as a result. Today I will try again. It's a start.

Tonight I record. I'm mostly excited and a little nervous- mostly because this type of creation will be a totally new experience. All I have to work with are eight lines of lyrics, a general mood, and all the musical toys we could need. From there branch hundreds of possibilities.

Concerning health and fitness:

Right before breaking point (you know, those days right before you look in the mirror and can see all the cheesecake in your chin?)... just before delusion crumbles.... just before willpower and discipline speak up and make decisions for you...

there is this weird compulsion eating thing.... like some extended Fat Tuesday... where for weeks you find yourself eating plates of chillicheeseFritos that you don't even remember ordering... choosing the fries over the salad as if it were the only clear choice... picking food off plates others have shoved aside...

that's weird.

my delusion's crumbled. still waiting on the willpower and discipline to start turning down french fries.

sunday night

this was last week

and it was good

and this week

is about to

begin and

i already

wish it

finished.

thinking about the everything starting from a single nothing. arrow of time. what makes sense and what we will never be able to wrap our puny evolving craniums around. wishing for time to

feel young as i am. today started good but grew to a dread. tell me a story about all our days &

i

will

rest

so

well.

there and back

San Francisco:

refreshing

no beat to march to

no drone of hours

or long minute hands

but the

call of

the moment

unbridled laughter

ache and rest

for the

weary heart

a few days to

set questions aside.

the answers are coming

on their own time.

i want freedom

here:

new lines by my eyes

my face is falling

off

while my mind was occupied

my youth and health

bowed out

in philadelphia i looked in the mirror and saw an old woman staring back at me

but i chased that girl i chased that girl i chased that free spirit to the west coast

i found her

resilient and waiting

this old woman

knows that she is not lost

but deserving

and demands pursuit.

i want to purge my concerns

down to basic survival

mind body heart survival

i want to quit everything

and chase her down

why does security for an old someday woman

take priority over

taking care of that

free free

spirit

girl?

walk sing create daydream swim run eat my vegetables nap travel stay laugh doodle stay up late and sleep all day