abruptly

I was cruising through the day, feeling good and productive, when allasudden WHAM, I got grumpy and hated people. so abruptly, too. like a hiccup or a pothole.

.

.

awakening

quiet now,
discouragement
the futility of his efforts

attempted
tottering
tempered

bouts
that melted into one another
and, melting,
did not break
but grew daring and reckless,

a feeling held away from her

and the strains reached them heavy.

She had not lost herself.
but, in realizing power,
she had fallen
overestimating her strength.

there was no weight of wonder
in solitude
swim out away from her unaccustomed vision

sleep lightly

swam
swum

lolita in the backseat

lolita in the backseat
so still
if you don't look, you almost forget she's there
taciturn by choice
i am not sure she has a voice at all.
shield those eyes, lollipop, because they are everywhere.
impossible to tell, really,
which are just shadows in the brake light
and which are the true forms to fear.
what we need here is an
amplification of muffled sobs
a new leaf
what we fear here
is here
what we need here
is a slow crawl to some
redemption altar alternative
where we bloody up in
sacrifice and stumble
away with the weight of freedom
on our breath.
what we need here
is public profession
and a community of watchers.
what we need here is
fear here is
here it is

time to learn a life of unlearning
stretching out in fake yawns--
so bored. so eager.
eternal youth strapped in and
aided by blind drivers.

even the syllables smolder.
we make symbols out of people
and we choose not to use our words.
some other art in the backseat and silent.

what we have here is a failure to

poison

a collection of quiet deaths
poison sought
poison found
lacing everything
in its wake

morning

what happens when novelty goes? when walking out of a room is expected and unseen? growing pains like i never had but who knows what's even happened here? the evidence is gone. find yourself forever. crawl out of the window. look for a knife and an eraser. hear your voice in the echoes of the screams from the alley.

thread and dead skin

In the beginning was THE ABSURD,
and THE ABSURD was made flesh
and the flesh did obnoxious things like put bumper stickers on cars &
pierced their genitals &
wore high heels &
cheated on tests (rather obviously)&
on more than one occasion (accidently) donated important and irreplacable items to goodwill.

& the flesh spoke in passive aggressive codes as little (pathetic) cries for attention
& ignored rules (when it was convenient)
& judged others for ignoring rules (when it was convenient)
& refused to eat leftovers
& pooped itself for a year or two (daily and without apology)
& spent a good deal of late adulthood fearing the very same act
& picked at blemishes until they bled
& acted phony on dates
& sometimes through whole marriages
& ignored phone calls
& sent money to random companies to buy vitamins for people on tv
& took really long showers despite water shortages or people waiting
& wiped boogers all over car seats
& stood in front of the ocean (why in front? why not behind?)
& had some kind of revelation or important moment (sometimes)
& stood in front of the ocean
& pretended to have some kind of revelation or important moment (on other occasions when others seemed to be having moments)
& sent flowers to lay on dirt mounds
& looked for themselves first in every picture
& said "thank you" when there was no gratitude, really
& did and said a lot of things that were not meant at all
& meant just as many things that were never spoken
& pictured all different kinds of people
naked.

& the flesh would recycle itself every few years
& that old casing would land softly on pillow cases and mattresses
& be wedged and smashed and smothered,
adding pounds of dead flesh to every known thing
(dead?)
(was it alive?)
doubling its weight over the course of some years,
mingling with small bed creatures with very short life spans who
never knew a universe outside that bed or that pillow case-
never knew a landscape ouside that thread and dead skin

and while that dead skin was falling
like fall out and dusting up
the whole polluted world,
fresh skin was always popping up beneath,
a resurrection of sorts,
was taking place- on the outside!-
no cave to hide the magic!
underneath that weight was more newness,
a million miracles a day!
flesh attached to something
still going through cycles
still a resurrection each morning
and a building up
and regenerating
and work to be done!
(and if the bed bugs don't kill you, the economy sure will!)

new little skins springing into being or forming or however that happens to work
a transistion so intact that the replacement is hardly distinuishable
(ladies & gentlemen, today the role of your skin will be played by NEW SKIN!) !!!

and under that skin (that flesh!)
are nerve endings and sensory perceptors and cancerous clots and acid pools and hormonal surges that cause
the growth of armpit hair and
reflux &
morning erections &
hiccups &
sudden infant death &
hospital bills

and all of that cause is changing too, being replaced by new
clots and cells and tremors
the source is shifting! the source is the same!
&
somewhere contained by or surrounding it all is THE ABSURD

and the absurd is with us
the absurd is in us
& dwells among us
and the flesh was where it started
and the flesh was where we felt it
and the flesh was what controlled us
and the flesh was changing
and the flesh was dying
and flesh marks the spot.