but I do and I will

Threw away rotting produce.
It's too cold to eat.
Too cold to sleep.
Too cold to love.
Too cold to care.

a cockroach, indeed.

forward, march

Today an NPR segment talked about how people are unable to walk in a straight line beyond about 20 or 30 steps while blindfolded. In fact, we can't do anything in a straight line for very long... swim, drive... They've been studying this for at least a century- blindfolding people, asking them to do random things, and observing.

The interesting thing is, not only do the people veer off the straight path, they inevitably begin to move in circles. Walk in circles. Drive in circles. Swim in circles... and these circles usually get tighter and tighter the longer the person persists.

There is something innate in us that begins to retreat backward when we do not have stimulus to cue us to the present. And we persist, all the while under the impression that we are moving forward.

I think the heart works like that too.

When the way ahead isn't clear, we innately return to places we've been. Lessons we've already learned. Experiences and emotions already played out. Nostalgic circles winding tighter and tighter, and all the while we think we're moving forward. We think we've gone somewhere new.

Be here now. Look for the cues. Forward, march.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/krulwich/2010/11/03/131050832/a-mystery-why-can-t-we-walk-straight

i think in the fall we do

is this what it is all about?

ten hours of unadulterated sleep in which i dreamt i was in love with my bald uncle. slowly taking care of the demands of the day, but i have a crate full of projects from 3 weeks ago that i still haven't touched. no idea what i am going to do tomorrow. don't feel like even thinking about the maintenance involved in the day to day. showering. dusting. putting gas in the car. paying bills. checking things off lists.

for what? for what?

summer fun is fun. caught up in the impulse of everything. such short sighted revelry. it is all in the moment and right before us and blinding. fall means dim and a certain curling up. a certain stepping back and analyzing. a scrutinization and a questioning. and an ache.

we find ourselves doing things we're not sure we want to be doing in the name of needs or wants further removed. in the summer we don't question those twice removed motives. i think in the fall we do.