wild

"Hey Debbie, where'd you get your wild stallion necklace?"
"From a gypsy."
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A busy Tuesday. The bell rings for the after lunch class and I run from lunch supervision to get a bathroom break before last class. As I'm washing my hands, I glance in the mirror and notice a rogue hair, nearly an inch long, waving at me from my chin. A rogue facial hair. It was blonde, I'm sure it was having fun. Mocking me. Despite efforts to destroy it and everything it stands for by using my fingernails like mcguyver tweezers, the stubborn rogue hair will not be moved.

And so i opt out of the florescent and just manage on natural light for the last class. keep your distance, children. no one wants the stress of a law suit.
"Student Stabbed by Teacher's Chin Hair"
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Apparently the human body is only really suited for about 35 years of living. Awesome. No wonder fifth grade felt like my prime.
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At 29, playing dodgeball on Tuesday nights sounds about right. Tonight I actually put on workout clothes and tennis shoes and drove around to try to find the place. I almost did. I think I was on the right block. Maybe next week.

date night

not pictured: goat cheese

me. wine. shakespeare. goat cheese.

fancy, right?

i thought so too, for a minute. for a second it felt perfect.
but now there is goat cheese all over my pages,
my eyes hurt from squinting in this beauty enhancing dim light,
and i really just can't wait to finish this glass so that i can go home
to stretch pants.
but for a second it felt perfect.

metaphor for life?

again

another poetry rejection.
i think i'll go hack off my hair.

jobbyjob

Despite a rocky start, I will toot my horn for being a mothaeffin fantastic teacher these past few weeks. Reminiscent of the early days when I really REALLY cared. And it feels good. It feels real good.

This website matters to me:
http://loveteachblog.blogspot.com/

A few flashes:
1. Love, Teach reminds me of all the ridiculousness that was Philly. In particular, I recalled the following scene:
I am sitting in a parent/teacher conference with the VP and a terrible, terrible nasty student who was fronting all compliant because her mother was in the room. I am listening to the VP (who is a bit off even on her best days) lecture this nasty about what it means to be a strong woman, and I happen to look down. The VP was wearing some school marm skirt and had her legs crossed. I have no idea how the girlpower speech ended, because when I looked down I witnessed the longest human leg hair I have ever seen in my life. On the VP. Lecturing nasty about class and being a woman.
2. Which reminds me of one of the first interactions I had with anyone at that school. Some woman parks a cart outside my classroom and, without a greeting, inquires, "Do you shave?" Well, hello to you too. It was a little odd, but I scored a whole box of trial size shave gel cans that lasted the whole school year... maybe beyond. In hindsight, I probably should have... shared.
3. Someone stole my copy of The Book Thief.

pray before you eat junk

"dear lord, bless this food. and thank you, aunt k for slaving away in the kitchen all day to make this junk. grandma's at church praying for us. and please help the needy. AMEN." ...starts clapping.
-delivered by a tipsy aunt k.

reasons why

me: maybe it's been a weird week because monday was a full moon & today is the 13th.
bill cosby: I don't believe in that shit, but i totally believe in that shit.

house rules

*spank*
we do NOT hit in this house.

okeee...

signifiers

doormats say
welcome home

recess

well.

i tried to do the whole "be a better, more motivated and invested teacher" thing. and then i stayed after work for an hour and a half to attend a voluntary professional development little treat that ran overtime (cutting into nap), included no snacks (which were promised and was reason #1 for going at all), and included gems like this, where the instructor told us to arrange the kids from smartest to dumbest:

and so, that was something. it made me feel like the whole world is full of dimwitted moron teachers, and that i am already doing entirely too much. motivation waning. i go through the motions of being an effective teacher all day long- and i am- but on the inside i am mostly checked out, wishing away the hours, and feeling completely trapped. loveless marriage.
but i don't think it's just this job. i think it would be any job. any job that wasn't new.

and that really, really scares me.

other thoughts on work:
"i thought about deleting my facebook, but then i wouldn't have anything to do at work all day." -sister susan
word.

me: work days are so long. like, sooooo long.
sis: I spent the afternoon watching animals on live cam at the san diego zoo and catching up on the bachelor.
me: you can do that?!?! ha! live cam zoo animals?!?! who ARE you? that is so hilarious to me.
sis: the apes were active... polar bear was lame today.

nephew to my sister: "mom, sometimes I waste my whole recess picking my scabs."

And that, my friends, feels like a metaphor for my life right now.

christmas eve

the onset of a quiet crisis
sounds like suburbia, 2 a.m.
nothing
or a quiet electric hum.
somewhere across the country
in another life
mass was said,
the fur coat dusted off for a night
tossing and turning to a
familiar fear.
here,
i could be anyone.
it is a newness that feels old;
those things you think of incessantly
and years later,
when they are happening,
you wonder where you are in all of it.

two roads diverging

i can only stand and watch this for so long
dark and deep, but
i have promises to
keep to myself.

a quiet
a deadening or underground growth
sometimes i do not know
who you are in all this.
who i am
is.

untouched
in a room occupied
small talk until
spent-
a quiet death.

calm consideration.

waiting on some universe
to speak a word
to straighten this spine.

and Gabriel said
and then there was
and Gabriel was there
and there was a light
which meant something important was happening
a halo
a neon indication
and then there was something very scary and very new.

holidays do this strange thing
to identity.
it's mostly a gathering and
looking around and a
wondering where you fit.
and you see these gatherings as a potential pattern
and you see yourself
woven into any number of similar scenes.

and you wonder if any of them
would ever be enough to warm you.

that shivering part.