here's to hoping

L-
You make me smile to think that others feel remotely the way that I do every second of my life. My life is beginning to show signs of relief. I hope that you feel the same now. I'm sorry you have to worry about stupid papers. Eventually they will be a thing of the past and get to eat ice cream and walk around naked the moment you walk in the door.
I miss you dreadfully.

apathy

this morning i drove past
an accident (crash) i very nearly witnessed
(thump)

airbags deployed and went limp (flaccid)
engine
smoking after impact

i barely looked-
worried more about making the green before sirens muddled up the whole scene.

forgotten phantom panicked face
in the passenger window.

impassive
nearly asleep awake
but something moves in my periphery
something stirs me
from cold

everyone in their single shells (loaded and cracked)
(ready) (or not)
(categorized)
(scrutinized)
(one of a dozen) (or more)
all bent toward decay
sooner or later
and still we do.
i am largely uninspired.

some outrageously beautiful and constant strength

S:

L: You are experiencing the gut wrenching aspect of being human. You are facing down the heavy and the ache and the daring to love. It is always a dare. Always a risk. You are having to realize- to feel in that unbearable way- that connecting with others means being vulnerable to a lack of control. It is humbling. Makes you feel limbless- stranger to self. Welcome, though. Welcome to it. let it all fall apart. ... And don't even think of dating until you feel good on your own.

S:

L: Have you left the house today? Make yourself leave the house today.

S:

L: And it GOES in waves. Minute by minute. One foot in front of the other.

S:

L: Crazy is an ok place to feel. At your core, you are not.

S:

L: Damn. Damn. On a positive note... you were doing fine. focus on the fact that for a good stretch of hours you were ok. you will get there again. What is your plan for today?

S:

L: Cling to the little moments of ok for dear life... even knowing that they're probably temporary. Lose yourself in the ok. Keep me posted- progress... distraction... steps.

S:

L: Of course, of course. You're doing well.

S:

L: Let it be enough. Could be years. Could be never. there is no calculating these things. you will never regret taking this time- however long or short it may be- to figure out you... to be good with you... to know yourself on your own two feet. Embrace the lack of accountability... try new things... eyes wide open and ready to embrace and refigure your worldview on your own terms.

...

You will find that you are a remarkably rare type of person... which will be lonely, perhaps, at first... but eventually will turn into some outrageously beautiful and constant strength. You are your own creation.... always... which can be terrifying or empowering. let it empower. embrace.