out in it

my body is wrecked and i am thinking so slowly

but my heart is full and calm

despite it all

unforeseen crossroads

This message from a friend says it better than i have the energy to articulate:

(I have AMAZING friends)

"my need for answers has been distilled simply to the need for assurance that if there are answers, they will find me before it's too late. before i fuck things up beyond repair.

does God exist or is it the existence of a "god" that we need to keep us in line, compel us to be better, to be more, than we would be without that tension?

why are we eaten alive by trivialities? why does every thing i (think i) know seem to contradict itself at unforseen crossroads?

my friend's parents died in a plan crash last week. another friend's uncle committed suicide, leaving behind a note explaining their financial woes and how the life insurance money will fix everything.

i can't find my compass. all the hypotheticals. the landslide of choices is crushing my ability to see clearly.

i've given up Kierkegaard for Bukowski.

i wonder if my inability/refusal to connect with others is a self-imposed prison born out of some fear.

that old catchphrase-- find out who you are. "self-discovery"
-is this something already there, something intrinsic? or is it something we construct with the millions of decisions we make?

maybe everything is seen clearly only when it is finished, in retrospect. like you can't really know ANYTHING about death until you experience it.

to love and be loved. trite. or true?

what is my indifference?
fear the greatest motivator?
suffering the only true crucible?
the sweetness of pain born from risks that don't pay off?

i love whiskey. and good music. and yes, i still love cigarettes. great conversations. uncontrollable laughter. the economy of well-chosen words. the long days of summer, warm and windy. old photographs. red shoes. the cello. henri. vulnerability. chess & crossword puzzles. the idea of a love affair.

i hate the suffocation i feel when the phone rings. i hate pleasantries. the news. our inability or refusal to be deliberate. expectations. my impulse to buy everything that's on sale. having to go to bed. not being able to sleep when i am ready to go to bed. the reality of a love affair.


i'm sending all this absurdity your way because you are one of a few that will understand and will know that a response is not necessary, but welcome.

let me know when you get there."

so delicate. so exhausted. wanting a long reprieve with no termination date.

conviction

Response to yesterday's post:

When I read this, my heart started beating out of my chest. I realize that it was meant in jest to a degree, but this status was preceded and followed by other serious and strongly worded updates concerned with how terrible and immoral he feels the healthcare reform business is.

I am troubled by this for many, many reasons.

First, the obviously hypocritical nature of the statement.

Second, the fact that so many people liked it. This includes one of my very good friends. As soon as she responded to the post, i texted her some of my thoughts on the issue. she apologized and said it that i was right and that it made her think, but she has yet to retract her comment. it is possible that she doesn't know how). This bothers me because it indicates that this was not just an idiotic statement made from one person, but an idiotic statement that many people of like mind agree with and applaud.

Third, although he may have been joking, this sort of entitlement to judge based on religious conviction is DANGEROUS- even in joking. It implies that some people are better off dead because they do not share the same convictions... it implies that were Obama to suffer from a terminal illness or be killed, that the poster would celebrate his death... have no consideration for the fact that A MAN died, or that a family is grieving, but only care for the fact that a figurehead who he disagreed with no longer held position. While these types of posts may only be flippantly expressed sentiments, they are the beginnings of the type of indoctrination and passionate convictions that lead others to believe in holy war and other atrocities. the fact that so many got a good chuckle and decided to like this "prayer" terrifies me.

People joke about all kinds of sensitive issues all the time. I probably partake myself unknowingly, and I do not ask to be excused.

I do not wish for us all to become oversensitived crybabies who can't take a joke once in a while,

but I would ask that the people who proclaim to value the sanctity of human life reflect such conviction in all areas of their life, not just at March for Life rallies or when it comes to the lives under their own church roofs.

I would ask that people

think

about implications... about empathy... about who they proclaim their god to be.

conviction

..Matthew B... I cannot take credit for this prayer as i am not the author but it is definitely one i am beginning to pray on a daily basis: Dear Lord, This past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcet, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just want you to know that Obama is my favorite President!

Yesterday at 10:27am · Comment ·

6 people like this.

Lindsey

i think that is really messed up.

Yesterday at 1:17pm ·

Rob

Messed up. Yes. Reminds me of an awful bumper sticker I saw: Pray for Obama, Psalms 109:8...

Yesterday at 3:21pm

Kathleen

Very funny, I like this!

Yesterday at 6:56pm

Jessica

love this, thanks for sharing this beautiful prayer!!

sad hours

sad hours seem long

across the world

sudden plunge

cold then adjust

skin learns itself in new surroundings

let those toes find and search the floor & lightness will bring you up again.

brave enough to sink

light enough to float

Also: I got my passport in the mail today. Also: started the music collaboration last night. Also: summer might be as difficult as it is wonderful. a lot of time for thinking means enough time to actually start to process and figure. Also: feeling a little melancholic.

shape up

I have every reason to still be confused and overwhelmed, but the storm has been tempered for the last few weeks. Same questions, same confusion, but muted somehow. A little part of me can understand how people live whole lives filled with slow commutes to and from work and whole nights in front of the television. It is so much easier on many many levels. But for whatever reason, it will never be enough for this little heart or brain.

So, I've been pushing myself in the smallest ways.

I ran for five whole minutes two days ago. My legs were ridiculously achy yesterday as a result. Today I will try again. It's a start.

Tonight I record. I'm mostly excited and a little nervous- mostly because this type of creation will be a totally new experience. All I have to work with are eight lines of lyrics, a general mood, and all the musical toys we could need. From there branch hundreds of possibilities.

Concerning health and fitness:

Right before breaking point (you know, those days right before you look in the mirror and can see all the cheesecake in your chin?)... just before delusion crumbles.... just before willpower and discipline speak up and make decisions for you...

there is this weird compulsion eating thing.... like some extended Fat Tuesday... where for weeks you find yourself eating plates of chillicheeseFritos that you don't even remember ordering... choosing the fries over the salad as if it were the only clear choice... picking food off plates others have shoved aside...

that's weird.

my delusion's crumbled. still waiting on the willpower and discipline to start turning down french fries.

sunday night

this was last week

and it was good

and this week

is about to

begin and

i already

wish it

finished.

thinking about the everything starting from a single nothing. arrow of time. what makes sense and what we will never be able to wrap our puny evolving craniums around. wishing for time to

feel young as i am. today started good but grew to a dread. tell me a story about all our days &

i

will

rest

so

well.

there and back

San Francisco:

refreshing

no beat to march to

no drone of hours

or long minute hands

but the

call of

the moment

unbridled laughter

ache and rest

for the

weary heart

a few days to

set questions aside.

the answers are coming

on their own time.

i want freedom

here:

new lines by my eyes

my face is falling

off

while my mind was occupied

my youth and health

bowed out

in philadelphia i looked in the mirror and saw an old woman staring back at me

but i chased that girl i chased that girl i chased that free spirit to the west coast

i found her

resilient and waiting

this old woman

knows that she is not lost

but deserving

and demands pursuit.

i want to purge my concerns

down to basic survival

mind body heart survival

i want to quit everything

and chase her down

why does security for an old someday woman

take priority over

taking care of that

free free

spirit

girl?

walk sing create daydream swim run eat my vegetables nap travel stay laugh doodle stay up late and sleep all day