why I'm crying today

Today I'm crying because I've never written a novel

and I likely won't start today.

What exactly am I grieving?

The loss of a potential that is still very much alive?

maybe the years have made me fearful

maybe the risk to try feels more intimidating somehow

maybe there is so much to grieve in the world

that this is just a very literal way to process

not knowing where to begin

endeavour

The Endeavour space capsule landed back on earth today

and I couldn't bring myself to care

and I couldn't stop crying.

I think I must have hit a depression bump, I tell him

and he looks at me sideways

and keeps chewing his food.

So here I am at the start of a new month

in a year that seems to be starting

to swallow me whole.