no ache no nothing

My god

How do any of us, actually?

There isn't time enough to 

Exist

Or to consider any of it adequately. 

Here we are.  Trudging forward

It flares up like a hemorrhoid now and then for years 

until finally, it's gone entirely.  

It is unfathomable. 

The need to have -

Gone

And arms feel light like wings,

Not empty.

why I'm crying today

Today I'm crying because I've never written a novel

and I likely won't start today.

What exactly am I grieving?

The loss of a potential that is still very much alive?

maybe the years have made me fearful

maybe the risk to try feels more intimidating somehow

maybe there is so much to grieve in the world

that this is just a very literal way to process

not knowing where to begin

endeavour

The Endeavour space capsule landed back on earth today

and I couldn't bring myself to care

and I couldn't stop crying.

I think I must have hit a depression bump, I tell him

and he looks at me sideways

and keeps chewing his food.

So here I am at the start of a new month

in a year that seems to be starting

to swallow me whole.

x

It seemed much easier,
then,
to spell out a thought and place it in the world.
Even in the midst of anguish or confusion, the visceral and new sense of disillusionment made expression all the more urgent and worthy and deserving of a space to spin or echo or simply exist.

Maybe that's the difference.

As much as the world seems entirely consumed by chaos, I no longer feel the poetic confusion of delusion propelling me.

Heaven and hell have collapsed and here we are... unsurprised and tired as we navigate new horrors.

weary query

when the sum total of lived experience results in
no expertise
only a curiosity that does not wane
a deep love and simultaneous repulsion toward humanity
a desire to continue wandered exploration
without qualification

it stings at the sides of my intellect and ego
to know that all I've done or imagine myself capable of doing
will not open a single door in sight

how to convey the quality of my humanity
my charisma
my tired and underused potential
in a cover letter or resume

certificates lapsed
degrees covered in dust

i do not want to play
these merit games
that feel entirely divorced
from pulsing hearts

much

the enormity of all that could be written
dulls my resolve

fear and disappointment

Things That People Buy When Preparing For The Worst:
toilet paper.  all of it.
cleaning supplies.  all but the organic shit.
pancake mix.
spaghetti fixings.
frozen pizza.

I wander from room to room and refresh my newsfeed every few minutes.

Several times a day I feel a huge swelling of sadness for the world,  I feel it in my chest and my eyes.  Little hellos of despair.  But the weight of it doesn't stay.  Yet.

Yesterday I encountered my upstairs neighbors at the grocery store where they loudly told me that this was all a conspiracy.  The "real" truth was that this was a way for the governments of the world to control their people.

The horror I felt then and the rage that followed when they sent me youtube links might be the worst pangs of despair yet.

I am so disappointed in humanity.

I don't know what I need in all this.

Very little, I think I'll learn soon enough.

We are all petulant children in the backseat asking "are we there yet? are we there yet?"
unready for the ride that we are on

and to what end.