unforeseen crossroads

This message from a friend says it better than i have the energy to articulate:

(I have AMAZING friends)

"my need for answers has been distilled simply to the need for assurance that if there are answers, they will find me before it's too late. before i fuck things up beyond repair.

does God exist or is it the existence of a "god" that we need to keep us in line, compel us to be better, to be more, than we would be without that tension?

why are we eaten alive by trivialities? why does every thing i (think i) know seem to contradict itself at unforseen crossroads?

my friend's parents died in a plan crash last week. another friend's uncle committed suicide, leaving behind a note explaining their financial woes and how the life insurance money will fix everything.

i can't find my compass. all the hypotheticals. the landslide of choices is crushing my ability to see clearly.

i've given up Kierkegaard for Bukowski.

i wonder if my inability/refusal to connect with others is a self-imposed prison born out of some fear.

that old catchphrase-- find out who you are. "self-discovery"
-is this something already there, something intrinsic? or is it something we construct with the millions of decisions we make?

maybe everything is seen clearly only when it is finished, in retrospect. like you can't really know ANYTHING about death until you experience it.

to love and be loved. trite. or true?

what is my indifference?
fear the greatest motivator?
suffering the only true crucible?
the sweetness of pain born from risks that don't pay off?

i love whiskey. and good music. and yes, i still love cigarettes. great conversations. uncontrollable laughter. the economy of well-chosen words. the long days of summer, warm and windy. old photographs. red shoes. the cello. henri. vulnerability. chess & crossword puzzles. the idea of a love affair.

i hate the suffocation i feel when the phone rings. i hate pleasantries. the news. our inability or refusal to be deliberate. expectations. my impulse to buy everything that's on sale. having to go to bed. not being able to sleep when i am ready to go to bed. the reality of a love affair.


i'm sending all this absurdity your way because you are one of a few that will understand and will know that a response is not necessary, but welcome.

let me know when you get there."

so delicate. so exhausted. wanting a long reprieve with no termination date.