ny

closed my red eyes jet blue didn't sleep but woke up at 5am new york time felt every muscle scream. taxi. people sleeping in public places (vulnerable beautiful) train, trained too long. princeton in the humid. slept on park bench slept in dorm study. wake up wake up. bird shit on shoulder. endingsbeginnings. 57 flights and free. the glory that is mmm. can you tell that I've been drinking? sorrysorrysorry. harmonize with me on a quiet roof in a crowded city. open all night. eyes adjust. the light, the heat. take it in. sometimes this city sleeps til one. dodging rain. beets. comforttensiondanger. beautiful in honesty. coffee and crosswords and central park through a lens. I could live and die in this haven of a room. (some people live lives of such. sleep in piles. pour yourself into. I want to bottle it. deserving.) eight word story: city of driftwood in love from a distance.

as if they were real

"It came to you to be yourself. Your fellow-actors' courage failed; as if they had been caged with a pantheress, they crept along the wings and spoke what they had to, only not to irritate you. But you drew them forward, and you posed them and dealt with them as if they were real. Those limp doors, those simulated curtains, those objects that had no reverse side, drove you to protest. You felt how your heart intensified unceasingly toward an immense reality and, frightened, you tried once more to take people's gaze off you like long gossamer threads-: but now, in their fear of the worst, they were already breaking into applause: as though at the last moment to ward off something that would compel them to change their life."
-Rilke, The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge

performance anxiety

modern vs. postmodern
genderation x vs. y
on the cusp
on the cusp
born on the cusp
a decade of fragile
a few years of wandering

"if we give up the idea that it's based in essence, then we have to recognize that it's performace- based on performance. all we have is performance." -Hart

Right? but what about that feeling of essence, that sense of underlying reality. Is it just willing someone into a role? ourselves into a place we would like to fit? Is it based on anything authentic other than circumstances and projection? Ever?

Is there freedom in recognizing/EMBRACING(?) the idea that THIS IS ALL AN ACT? even in transcendence? temporary roles.

sometimes we act for so long, we believe.
___ choose parts carefully
___ ad lib with reckless abandon
___ know the quick way to the exit

is it better to take on one role or ressurect for each act as something new? The role of a lifetime or a constant movement through bit parts that force you to remember that you are a performer performing
and that a costume change waits (always) in the wings.

(but we are thinking beings. what is behind there that is aware and what does it want?)

is that why people have such a hard time with living? they start to believe too much? they refuse to change costumes, or make their exit, or give up the stage even when their role has been played out?

the lights come up, inevitably, whether or not you miss your cue. at some point you face the audience. at some point you are stripped. at some point, if you lose yourself(?) too much, the other its on stage will stare through you and wonder why you are still there.