i waver

I finished God Is Not Great in the airport yesterday. While his argument style may not be flawless, it addressed and answered to so many of my reservations about the practice of religion.

(Everything I am saying or thinking or writing or grappling with has been said or thought or written or grappled with by many many people many many times before repeat repeat repeat. there is some kind of comfort there)

I am beginning to realize that probably this summer I will have to destroy my mother's world. On the phone last weekend, I heard myself answering back to her faith talk with old faithful rote replies, and it made my skin crawl. I still know the language, but I do not subscribe.

It must be,

but I dread it.

Deliberation.

I don't do well with dishonesty

but it is not always so easy

to articulate the truth.

I am growing more and more distant

from the possibility of a return...

A really difficult part of all of this

has been learning to navigate my personal growth and changes

with others who are happily fixed in theirs.

maybe I will always waver

maybe I will always wander

maybe I am wired this way

...

i am facing an altogether different kind of leap.

i hope this anticipation is more difficult than the aftermath.

i hope i am right to hope that people are resilient.