Fables

I read this on a busy Wednesday night at the coffeehouse.  I had just finished Grid City Overload and didn't want to start anything too heavy.  I've also resisted reading anything school-related with every bit of my might.

Fables was great.  I'm not well read in the graphic novel department- this was a great introduction.

Pro-tip:  DO NOT read a graphic novel in public if you are female, unless you are looking for male attention.  Seeing a woman read a graphic novel seems to supply every nerdy and otherwise shy man in the general three mile radius with the nerve and a reason to approach you.  

Grid City Overload

Grid City Overload (Steven T. Bramble)

i finished reading while my students were writing an essay, which is unfortunate because i really needed to scream and pace around and talk really quickly and not make any sense.  i resorted to writing.  i wrote:

so many thoughts.  the kind of thoughts that matter to me.  the kind to get lost in.   the big pictures and the whys and the crux of human everything.

brilliant.

i think the book reaches me on a subconscious level i'm not even fully aware of.
it speaks to my biggest unanswered questions-
voices real abstract fears-
holds up a shattered mirror.

no hope-
and a severe comfort as a result of that hopelessness
the refusal to redeem or deliver a purpose-
but the articulation of the absence-
the inevitable loneliness of existing at all-
the out-of-controlness embedded at the foundation of everything we do.
the in-control parts playing out like desperate attempts at pacification-
applying identifying titles and labels and ideologies like sun screen to protect us from some absence
we can't cope with or identify or ignore
the general paranoia-
the mystery we are even to ourselves-
we cannot even begin to answer the whys behind our own actions-
much less some larger network of purpose
the cyclical patterns of generations falling and rising-
embracing and rebelling-
changing everything-
changing nothing

that's not even the half of it-

my mind is swimming.

(i hope you read it.)

i hope he never stops writing.

http://gridcityoverload.blogspot.com

grown

two grown men, artist types,
or at least of the kind who are sitting at the coffeehouse drawing cartoons
in the middle of a Monday work day
giggling like middle schoolers at the absurdity of
"Song of Songs"

I am a horse!  My neck is an ivory tower!  I have all my teeth, and they're lined up like sheep! I am your daughter!  Your sister!  I'm sexy and I know it!  I am a prized treasure!  I am food!  My boobs are grape clusters! Let us go fornicate under the apple tree where I was conceived!

The whole world is ripe for a laugh if you can control the anxious fits long enough to get there.
And if the timing is right-
It is not always the right time to laugh.

the day before a gradual relinquishing of freedom
trading real hours
for dollar bills and insurance coverage i will not use,
gripping onto the freedom offered in the endless expanse of an unbounded (however burderned) mind
like a ten dollar raft
in white water

You Bright and Risen Angels 
with margins like wingspans
i have yet to write in
mark up
connect
misconstrue
overdo
read right through

i really hope i get to you
sometime between the foam
so we can see how much we've grown
or at least survived the time

when they ask you if you are a writer
you say yes
you say yes

winter

Oh, also,
I finished this book before I left for the trip.  It was outstanding.  I had a hundred pages dog eared to blog about when I was finished, but it's too late for that now.

The back cover referred to it as something like "the documentation of the moral decline of a man."

To me, though, it was just the documentation of a man.  Any man.  Every man.



(winter is coming)

gaps

Have you seen that new movie?  The one where the woman is sad and kind of lost?  The one about love?  The one where your eyes tear up or you nod your head while watching because it captures so many of those difficult and joyful and life things.  The one with the dialogue that you could swear comes straight out of conversations or thoughts from your life?  The one with the ambiguous ending?  The one that that is so good but also so sad because it is so true?  The one that reminds you of the infinite loneliness and need for connection we all experience?  The one about disappointment?  The one where you feel sad and mad and infinite sympathy and understanding for every character?

No, not Lost In Translation.  The one with Michelle Williams.

No, not Blue Valentine.

Take this Waltz.

Take this Waltz mattered so much to me.  I will buy it and watch it again and again.  The cinematography was stunning.  The symbolism rich but not overdone.  The dialogue effective.  The pacing, perfect.  Enough to surprise while remaining believable.

Of all the difficult relationships in the film, Sarah Silverman's character's marriage is the most stable.  Even as an struggling recovering alcoholic, her dialogue with Margot in the gym shower and her drunken rant in her last conversation with Margot marked her as the unlikely sage of the film.

As sad as I expected to be based on what I'd heard from the film, I felt lifted.  I felt comforted.  Silverman's character reminded me (and tried to remind Margot) of an important truth that will make you crazy or delusional or forever let down if you forget:

"In the bigger picture, life has a gap in it.  

It just does.  

You don't go crazy trying to fill it."

The movie reminded me that it's ok to be sad sometimes and to not know why.  It's ok to not be able to figure out the 1/10 situation talked about in the movie.  It's ok and necessary to be content with that element of living.  And it's so important not to try to snuff it out or to minimize that restlessness or sadness with something that will never quite fit the gap.  Relationships cannot and will not fill it.  Religion can pacify it, but leaves a huge logic/reason gap.  Hobbies can distract, but they do not fill.  Addiction poses as escape but creates more problems than it solves.

Life has a gap in it.  It just does.  

The movie reminded that even with the gap hanging around the borders of living, life can still be enjoyed. 

It's ok to be sad.  And it's also ok to enjoy the ride.

tried

i tried to climb a mountain on monday

it was awful

wherever you go, there you are

i am still so fragile

i still need to be just so careful and good to myself

apparently last night i giggled and laughed in my sleep

slept with a big smile on my face

and when i woke up i had been dreaming about taking pictures

i had captured a really funny moment at the last second

and it made me so happy

photography makes me that happy.  unbelievably happy.

school meetings start next week

that looming date feels like a shadow over everything

makes my heart want to curl up, scared

i am not ready to give yet

i am not ready to be present and far away

for so long everyday

such extremes  

moments of incredible lightness and  hope and possibility

swing to despair and nervousness and terrified of everything

down the hallway of distorted thinking

looking for the safe places in my head

and in the world

and blinders

to the rest

need

to rest

from the rest

of it all

displaced

4:53 a.m. on a saturday, no sunday, no, saturday in an airport in connecticut catching a flight that doesn't leave for another hour.  i didn't sleep at all, except for about 12 minutes of the cab ride here in which i considered the fact that the driver might run up the tab or cut me up into little pieces, but was too lulled to care.  i've been away from home for a solid week, no- a week and one day- no, just under a week- and i feel so disoriented.  anxiety building to a heartpounding degree over the last few days.  i could list the reasons why.  there are no reasons why.

i feel displaced.

i just had some really great times and connections with family and friends from michigan and college.

but that is all past and in the meantime (in seven short days) i feel like i need to be reintroduced to my current life all over again.

i was just starting to feel so good.

a few steps back.

heartpoundingijustwanttobehomealready home home home home home home home home home home.