ida

Ida the tax lady has been sitting across from me mumbling to herself for about forty minutes. Those turbo tax programs sound so good at about this moment every year. But hey, Ida needs a job. That Avon jewelry isn't going to pay for itself.

Go, economy, go.

I am a little afraid that I'm becoming a terrible person.

and now she wants to talk about her hair and her fat face.

True.

And no, Ida, for the twentieth time, I don't want a soda. Can't you see I feel bloated?

last chapters

A character in Identity goes through this crisis of sorts when she realizes that men no longer look at her. She is no longer noticed.

Three generations ago, the life expectancy was 30 years less than it is today. For the most part, figuring out to do with that long last chapter is still kind of an experiment, I guess.

i've been thinking of that lately. Life after 60.

i don't want to squander my "youth" or cease seizing the day or any of that jazz just because i'm so focused on thirty years from now... but damn, life is long and i don't want to set myself up for a dismal, drawn out last few decades.

What will matter in 30 years?

Despite where the next decade finds me... here is what I think will remain important:
-health
-financial stability
-a sense of humor

so... maybe i'll start thinking of those things a little more
and worrying about the rest of it
a lot less.

sparkle

12:10
how the middle is the only segment without games. the most comfortable. the least memorable. guard down. no questions asked. any question askable. the quiet surrender when people get complacent and for awhile enjoy the routine and the stability of it all. just awful. but the ends are just as awful. the beginning game when it's all natural and real and unreal and happening. when you know it's all a sham, you know you're only seeing the very best side of things, and you don't care. willful insanity. (cookie #3, gulp of coffee, stare at movie) drugged and gaping mouth. craving. the idea that you actually are your best self. and then, sometime later, after awhile, you find it all strange. you find it all tugofwar. unsure of what you were even thinking would happen. you find the things that seemed closest now feel the most strange. the strangest thoughts become the most real. you get what you want only to cower, terrified by it. and the days still hold the same amount of minutes and hours as they always did, but they do not sparkle. and sometimes they are heavier than you can lift on your own. out of shape. complacent. let it move on its own. regarding everything: subject to change. there is everyone to judge. thought police. karma police- a reminder of then. word analyzer. who are these people, anyway? and their names. names everywhere. pull me down, no end up. waves during high tide. hello or goodbye. vent my folly. shakespeare is going to suffocate me. a loving smother. decoded already in volumes of 20 page papers. if i don't answer you, then you'll think it's a yes answer. who is really happy? mostly a middle of the sentence content, or quietly suffered aches and angers. what kind of unhappy do you want? the kind with a foreseeable end. find myself stopping midlaugh. find myself halting at the doorway of a smile. find myself carving out my decisions and my everyday identity on a daytoday basis. longing. not. as though a place or a person could ever. regarding everything. flannel pajamas. roll credits.
12:26

these things

yes, i love technology

"I have downloaded the most ridiculous apps... fed sheep fake grass for like 20 minutes... I was almost drooling it was so fun." -anne frank

question: so, the sheep were real?

Red before blue

Sorry I am
Falling slowly
Both sides of a landslide now
So what?

like you mean it

I looked through NY pictures and almost cried a little.
I really felt like myself there.
That trip lasted all of about 12 seconds,
but it stays and stays.

I really felt like myself there.

What are you saying yes to?
The thing is, people believe small yesses. After awhile, small yesses start to sound normal sized. you forget what it's like to say a big yes.
To mean yes.

Something is happening.

another