up above the world so high

text:  Happy Easter!  He is Risen!
tempting response:  where is he?

true terror is glimpsing your former self

during Teach for America training, they did a lot to move [well meaning but incredibly] sheltered people like me into a greater awareness of the struggles and realities of, well, the other 84% of the country/world.  This week I was reaching into my teaching archives and unearthed a gem of a worksheet from a workshop called "Unpacking Privilege".  We were first supposed to fill in the boxes with how we identified, and then prioritize them 1-12 in order of how closely we related that category to our sense of identity.  Here is a glimpse of mine then and now:

	2006	2013
Race/Ethnicity	White	White
Gender	Female	Female
Religion	Catholic	Atheist
Socio-Economic Status/Class	Middle Class	Middle Class
Sexual Orientation	Straight	Straight (fluid?)
Country of Origin/Geography	USA	USA
Language	English	English
Physical Ability	Fully Able	Fully Able
Intellectual Ability	High Ability	High Ability
Political Affiliation	Republican (conservative)	No affiliation
Age	23	30
Level of Education	College graduate	Nearly completed MA

So there's that.

What really makes my skin crawl is the order that I prioritized them then/now.  I don't even know who that girl was and I'm sad and mad that she spent 23 years of her existence so sheltered and unaware.  The true terror comes from realizing that you could be saying that about yourself again in 7 years in ways you can't anticipate.

Here were/are my identity priorities:

2006	2013
Religion: Catholic	Gender:  Female  *
Intellectual Ability:  High Ability	Religion:  Atheist**
Republican (conservative)	Socio-Economic Status:  Middle Class
Level of Education: College graduate	Age:  30***
Gender: Female	Intellectual Ability:  High
Age: 23	Sexual Orientation:  Straight (fluid)****
Socio-Economic Status: Middle Class	Race/Ethnicity:  White
Sexual Orientation: Straight	Education:  MA
Race/Ethnicity: White	Physical Ability:  Fully able*****
Physical Ability:  Fully Able	Language:  English
Language:  English	Political Affiliation:  no affiliation
Country of Origin:  USA	Country: USA******

*gender and religion are really interchangeable in 1^st and 2^nd spots

** I remember little about filling this out the first time, except the feeling of not wanting others to see my answers.  I knew that my religious and political views made me a minority in that crowd.  Now,  I remain in the minority with my atheism, and politics have fallen off the radar.  I don’t think I ever was really that invested in them… but I was definitely dating someone who identified as Republican. 

*** Age used to hover in the middle because I thought my youth would prevent anyone from taking me seriously.  Now it climbs even higher on the list… for similar reasons.

****  Someday we won’t even be talking about sexual orientation in the same way.  College classes and experience and a number of factors have lifted that shelter.

***** although I do have a bunion and a weird foot thing

****** I have no idea what it means to be American except for what it is not.   I do not have a patriotic bone in my body, and I am growing rapidly opposed to war and other atrocities that I associate with being “a true American” 

conversations with bill, the nanny

BC:  what do you do with a dead hamster?
me:  sell it to a blind kid
       make a very small wig
       burial at sea
       overwhelmed by options
BC:  those are much better than mine.  which included throwing it away.
me:  did you offer a prayer?
BC:  we are a strictly non-denominational household.  an interpretive dance will be performed, followed
       by a short speech on reincarnation.

i don't lose sleep

turned on the television
to a preacher man
telling his congregation
how things are going to be when they die.

he scoffed at "nonbelievers" who do not think that anything will happen to them after death,
"well, they've got a rude awakening coming for them because that it is not the truth the Bible reveals."
really.
he scoffed and essentially called us liars
"they will tell you they do not fear death, they will act brave, but that is not the case.  i'll bet you they lie awake at night in fear."
well, you lost that bet.

it's not really a brave act, it's a real calm.  my fear and anxiety and obsessive thoughts on death ended when i officially moved from questioning christianity to clarified atheism.  it's not that i won't have any anxiety if i'm actually confronted with my own mortality, but it will have everything with an innate desire to avoid pain and zero to do with what will happen to me after.  my life became infinitely more free and more enjoyable when heaven and hell were acknowledged as myth.

i now live in the now.

this man's talking to an audience of terrified, grey haired ladies and their stern, bald headed husbands.  he is a quack doctor, playing on their fears.  spouting nonsense with conviction.

this is a terrible type of fraud.

spectacular

I've been waiting by the mailbox for a week or two for my new glasses.  I had high hopes that they might even be wearable in public, or MAYBE even be nerdycute in some sort of way.

No.

I look like a truck driver.  Or a really weird gym teacher.

Instead of magnifying my eyes like the kid in The Christmas Story (which might be awkward, but not repulsive), they do the reverse, shrinking the appearance of my eyes to an unnatural, beady-eyed rat size.

Cruel world.

waiting for the pope to get dressed

they're blowing smoke
a new pope has been voted in

if the holy spirit guides the cardinals in their choices-
why is a vote necessary?

if they're all in tune with god's prompting-
why are there differing opinions?

did some of the cardinals turn their holy spirit hearing aids off?

does god revel in the pageantry and suspense?

is this a jesus christ PR ploy?

i have some discomfort with large, waiting, shouting masses
the frenzy can so easily turn into something monstrous
they anticipation and sense of togetherness can so easily pass as
evidence of some larger-than-you truth

we humans, we are fallible

we humans love to lose our voices in the crowd

we humans, we love to put our finger on the map and say we were
X
(here)
at this exact historical moment

on march 13, 2013
when the first latin american pope was elected (to be followed by another, in my lifetime no doubt)
i was holed up in my room during lunch
with the lights off
eating at least a half a bag of indulgent trail mix
and counting down the days

viva some future that isn't so thick with ridiculous

"may there be a great brotherhood," he said,
and the pious sisters hid their hair under their chastity bridegroom veils
and clasped their hands in rapt adoration at their new
father figure of
dysfunction.

we learn so little, so slowly.

sunset

the idea that everyone gets so wild for sunsets and snaps a million photos and thanks god for such beautiful creation

politely ignoring the fact that the grandeur of the sky spread at sun down is directly related to the amount of shit we put in the sky through pollution.

thank you, jesus

for so many man-made ideas of beauty and comfort.

and then

restoration
some spark in some dark
space
a torrent without tears
intact
two legs
of a compass
that meet somewhere

time marches on

1.  women can be funny

have you ever heard someone say with confident, casual certainty that women just aren't funny when it comes to, you know, being funny.  i beg to differ.  i've come across a few blogs in the last few days that have such distinct, developed voices that are EFFING HILARIOUS and that are published on a daily basis which leads me to believe there might be a natural funny bone in women after all.

2.  the(now shuffled off into retirement) pope

there were too many bells ringing in rome.  too much pomp and circumstance over the color of some old man's shoes.  too much weeping in the streets.  so much performance, it feels like misdirection in some hocus pocus gig

misdirection, indeed.

3.  intimacy/disconnect   time in abundance/not time enough   swing, pendulum, swing

4.  those little hidden hurts we harbor and mumble to ourselves on long drives

5.  material needs > chemistry > common goals/ interests  (that's what i said.  recorded for posterity)

6.  in the next week or so i'll be getting my new glasses in the mail.  the company had to call me today to choose a new frame because the lenses are going to be so thick the frame i chose wouldn't support them.  so, there's that.  #helenkella4eva

7.  change gonna come.  mark it.