tried

i tried to climb a mountain on monday

it was awful

wherever you go, there you are

i am still so fragile

i still need to be just so careful and good to myself

apparently last night i giggled and laughed in my sleep

slept with a big smile on my face

and when i woke up i had been dreaming about taking pictures

i had captured a really funny moment at the last second

and it made me so happy

photography makes me that happy.  unbelievably happy.

school meetings start next week

that looming date feels like a shadow over everything

makes my heart want to curl up, scared

i am not ready to give yet

i am not ready to be present and far away

for so long everyday

such extremes  

moments of incredible lightness and  hope and possibility

swing to despair and nervousness and terrified of everything

down the hallway of distorted thinking

looking for the safe places in my head

and in the world

and blinders

to the rest

need

to rest

from the rest

of it all