sparkle

12:10
how the middle is the only segment without games. the most comfortable. the least memorable. guard down. no questions asked. any question askable. the quiet surrender when people get complacent and for awhile enjoy the routine and the stability of it all. just awful. but the ends are just as awful. the beginning game when it's all natural and real and unreal and happening. when you know it's all a sham, you know you're only seeing the very best side of things, and you don't care. willful insanity. (cookie #3, gulp of coffee, stare at movie) drugged and gaping mouth. craving. the idea that you actually are your best self. and then, sometime later, after awhile, you find it all strange. you find it all tugofwar. unsure of what you were even thinking would happen. you find the things that seemed closest now feel the most strange. the strangest thoughts become the most real. you get what you want only to cower, terrified by it. and the days still hold the same amount of minutes and hours as they always did, but they do not sparkle. and sometimes they are heavier than you can lift on your own. out of shape. complacent. let it move on its own. regarding everything: subject to change. there is everyone to judge. thought police. karma police- a reminder of then. word analyzer. who are these people, anyway? and their names. names everywhere. pull me down, no end up. waves during high tide. hello or goodbye. vent my folly. shakespeare is going to suffocate me. a loving smother. decoded already in volumes of 20 page papers. if i don't answer you, then you'll think it's a yes answer. who is really happy? mostly a middle of the sentence content, or quietly suffered aches and angers. what kind of unhappy do you want? the kind with a foreseeable end. find myself stopping midlaugh. find myself halting at the doorway of a smile. find myself carving out my decisions and my everyday identity on a daytoday basis. longing. not. as though a place or a person could ever. regarding everything. flannel pajamas. roll credits.
12:26