growing pains

on the eve of my thirty-first year
freshly showered
sans makeup and bra
netflix
garlic breath
a calm night before a busy few days

also present:
3 fresh cat scratches,
2 brown bananas,
1 cup of coffee- brewing.

1.  the only thing i think i'm noticing about aging is the whole weird body thing.  my weird foot bump that surfaced a few years ago seemed to foreshadow the impending doom of the body-in-decay changes that start to happen after 30.  i feel like overnight, my metabolism screeched to a halt.  i had to stop wearing skinny jeans because my calves seem to have double in size.  what's with THAT?  and i'm starting to believe that those terrible rumors are true... once you're past 30 you just don't drop weight as easily.

2.  in most other ways- i feel no age at all, really.  things seem exciting and possible most days.

2.5.  OMG- my dear select readers.  do not share this with the outside world upon penalty of something grave and serious.  watch and you'll see why.  just.... enjoy.  and... you're welcome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHm7eTUOpPI


3.  yesterday i photographed my first wedding.  although i was unsure that i would enjoy wedding photography, i think i might have a heart for it afterall.  it was beautiful to share some of the behind the scenes excitement, and i get the pleasure of sharing the joy i captured with everyone once i finish editing.

4.  the wedding i photographed happened to be for 2 gay friends.  when i posted the teaser picture today, i noticed that i lost a "like" from my facebook business page soon after.  i expect that i will "lose" a few more in the next few days.

i just started up my business page two weeks ago.  i have nearly reached 200 likes (193 as of right now) and i feel really excited about using social media to reach more and more people.  some of my initial "likers" are people from the long ago christian past.  although i am still their facebook friends, i have hidden many of them from my newsfeed because of my irritation with the irrational and often offensive religious propaganda they fill their pages with.  many from that group are the type who would post "boycott starbucks because they donate money to planned parenthood" or whatever.  i wish it weren't so, but people really do sort of arrange themselves into "types"... and this type happens to be bigoted and closed minded.  because they've been out of sight and out of mind for so long, i've forgotten how extreme some of their views are.   i've become so comfortable and confident in my atheist skin, that i often forget that many people still don't know that aspect of my identity.  but thinking ahead, i had actually considered that posting a picture from a gay wedding might cause a little stir in that crowd.  it's not shocking when i think of it, but it is a little disappointing.  on one hand, that person is exercising the same right that i do when i hide people from my newsfeed.  we have every right to exercise an amount of control in what we expose ourselves to (my aunt kate situation, for example).  on the other hand, isolating ourselves from exposure to other ways of thinking is what LEADS to misunderstanding and the narrowmindedness that furthers hate and prejudice.  i hide that type of christian from my facebook feed because i've BEEN there and EXPERIENCED that world view, and i now understand it to be dangerous and problematic.  i'm nearly POSITIVE that the people i consider to be the most judgmental in that group do not even KNOW an outed gay person.  DO NOT EVEN KNOW ONE OPENLY GAY PERSON ON A PERSONAL LEVEL.  although the actions of the "unliker" and i are the same, i think that they come from a fundamentally different place.  i'm not really offended so much as sad.

5.  i have bunions.  and maybe arthritis.

5.5.  something witty!  something wonderful!

6.  having a lot of highs and lows with photography.  so pleased with some results.  so frustrated with myself for so many rookie mistakes.  i made the mistake (?) of looking at some of my earlier work the other day.  AHHHH- the lighting and color all wrong- just so much off.  it's good to see so much progress.  it's tough to know i still have a lot further to go.  i know i have the eye- but the eye isn't enough.   i feel like i would be growing so much more quickly if i more time to practice.  i should be shooting and studying tutorials every day.  it feels nearly impossible to carve out the time i'd like for it.  also, the more i make contacts, the more i'm realizing that there are handfuls upon handfuls of experienced and talented people in this area trying to do the same thing that i am.  that's a little intimidating.  i'm still trying to find my niche, but i find myself moving more and more toward Fine Art.  I love it, but the opportunities for profit are MUCH less open.  so i find myself in need of honing my skills in portrait settings to earn money to purchase equipment to do what i'd really like to do.

7.  MONEY IS TERRIBLE.  i keep thinking i'm getting ahead, and i find myself just scraping by.  forever.  how does anyone think of retirement or any of that shit?  feels impossible to save even the smallest amount a month, let alone huge chunks to live off from someday.

8.  typhoons.  tornadoes.  all that planning, all for naught.

9.

10.  i haven't read a book since Franny & Zooey a few months ago.  i HAVE watched all of Breaking Bad, 5 seasons of Mad Men and HUNDREDS of episodes of Cheers, among other things.  no regrets.  they stimulate my mind too.

11.  candy crush- level 66

12.  

it's true.

13.  people come and go.  sometimes stay.  

14.  we only get one.  we only get one.  it's both paralyzing and mobilizing.  violent swings between everything having such meaning and value  ----> everything being completely meaningless and having no value at all.  we can only be sure of our dying... so what are we to do with ourselves in the meantime?  i've been having fall time thoughts.

14.5.  sunday night dread in FULL effect.

15.  looking back- this was 30.