so very

often, the remedy for anxiety or ennui or melancholy is as simple as a novel.
a disappearing act for which there are few substitutes

that thin asian man talking with earnestness and deliberation about the life-changing awakening he experienced through experimenting with psychedelic drugs.  he spans the whole chasm of topics,  talks about how unaware so many of us remain for our whole lives because we so easily buy in to what we are told or conditioned to believe.  the thing is, the guy sounds enlightened.  like, the whole "vibe" thing, he has it.  he has the "i am operating from a different plain than most" vibe that makes me so curious. it's like the religious cloud i used to walk on, but devoid of the religiousness.  just an... awareness.

that parking citation on the red car outside
and those people who do not pay:  are they outlaws?  idealists?
and those people who do pay:  upstanding citizens?  blind conformists?

existentialism & the part of me that understands the function and need for larger systems of order

& the other part of me that wants to challenge it all

tomorrow i have to call Lucy Lu's guardians and tell them that she is habitual cheater.  that i have to stand over her like a hawk.  that she is not only a cheater, but that she is a TERRIBLE cheater.  that if she insists on being a cheater, she must try harder at it.  she cannot fail at studying AND cheating- there are only so many levels of failure an ego can maintain.

it is far too easy to just do as we are told.  to laugh at things we are conditioned to identify as funny.  to buy things when they are packaged in certain ways that appeal to our age, race, class, and gender demographics.  all of it.  it is so easy to be a cog in the machine.  it takes no thought at all and there is so very little risk.

Ruth at the counter in a red knitted sweater.

twenty-five definitions of feminism.

they make spray called Poo-pouri to spray into the toilet pre-shit to eliminate any proof of your humanity.  we are so afraid of ourselves.

doing a jigsaw puzzle at midnight.  in some space.  talking little.  thinking if i died right then and there that would be ok.

harsh, birdlike.  aquiline, if you'd prefer.  i learned that word in the reader's digest vocabulary quiz a very long time ago.

another egg bids farewell.

we are so very fast asleep and so very very tired.