instead

i woke myself laughing at the puppet head.  the mistake was just hilarious.

(you see, in the dream there was some sort of documentary program on the screen.  the voice was talking about a woman's life and how she'd changed over the years (i do not remember for better or worse) and i was extremely interested.  but what really got me was when, instead of showing pictures and footage of the woman, the cameraman made the mistake of letting the camera land and remain on the head of a puppet.  a hollow head of a puppet, smiling and unmoving.  and in the dream the cameraman's error was so funny to me!  it was the story of a woman and how she'd changed but the shot was stuck on some image of a puppet, unmoving!  how come no one noticed the cameraman's error!  how absurd!) 

i woke myself up laughing, and apologizing for laughing but it was just too, too funny.  i've told the story two times now, since waking up, and i'm staring to wonder if it's even funny.  i'm starting to suspect that the focus on the stilled puppet was hardly an accident at all.

the puppet, stilled and smiling
an utter lack of agency
instead of the woman who had changed

they say, in dreams,
you are every person
you play every part

if you can't carry it, bury it
come back later with stronger arms
you are too heavy
to keep, heart

every box is like a tiny funeral for my dreams
some unconsidered option
some box too heavy
some arms too weak

i do not know which one i would open
but i would like the strength to try

i do not know what i want
except the option to consider
what i want

some active voice
some cause for celebration
instead of little deaths
every day