inside or outside

these months invite introspection. holidays and time markers always make me think back- for better or worse. usually i relate past holiday seasons to hair color or styles... like they are some kind of concrete indicators of whatever else was going on inside or outside at the time. some kind of hazy blur.

we gather with family and try to remember how we fit into where we came from. we reconnect with friends and try to remember where we are. now. at present.
like who we are can be a memory, forgotten sometimes
or like it is ever any given, nameable thing.

read Identity over Christmas. thoughts.
finished Jitterbug Perfume before that. yes.

entered some poetry into contests. all rejection so far, which doesn't faze me. the point is in the doing- the trying.

i want to do more of that this year- doing and trying.

i imagine how my life could be different in a million ways... choices and paths... locations and people... yeses and nos. i am happy and unhappy right now- which really doesn't matter at all- but the deal is, i don't want to find myself too comfortable- too sleepy-eyed or complacent about this whole existing thing.

where does the battle against ennui take place? in the day to day drives and familiar destinations? in the little hermit hole of solitude? in new places, still surrounded by the same collective humanity? inside or outside?

inside with the door open, curtains tied up, i suppose. purple and gold.

it is tuesday- and there is a special on burgers. choices. gets cold at night. a relative term, like so many.

relatively speaking, i am happy and unhappy.

this is me, on a tuesday.