i'll let you know when i get there

what an odd thing to love amidst tumult a quiet admiration near and far

that old tightness in my chest familiar core waver shaking double vision the why and the how why would how could why should how can i and the will "i do and i will" don't do do i do if it doesn't if i don't will it ever will myself to composure

rented This is 40 and am watching it for the second time in one day.  i just really love it so much.  it does a good job of capturing weird ways that adult insecurities and hostilities manifest themselves.  it makes me feel comforted and weird at the same time.  life.  only one.  this is me at 30. it's not the next decade that freaks me out... it's the three that follow completely impossible to imagine

1.  after a strange week in Boston, a man supposedly responsible was taken away alive (though reporters seem confused as to how he survived so much gunfire) and there is cheering in the streets.  now is the chance for everyone to get their stories together.  now it is time for multiple discourses to compete for attention, ultimately resulting in "the truth" and "what really happened." 2.  i am so thankful for protective services- people who do good work to protect innocent lives, often at the cost of their own. 3.  The Place Beyond the Pines was unnerving.  it was a stark reminder that even the best intended people on the "right" side of the law are still human and flawed and susceptible to error. 4.  my brother made the cut for the special forces this week.  i have such conflicted feelings. 5.  technology is so fast.  already, images and memes are assembled and passed about what happened moments ago in Boston.  it is fascinatin...

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote this down.  I have no memory of context in the dream, but I was DEFINITELY ranting these words: What's new? Nothing. Same same same & then you die & they put a - on your gravestone where your life used to be to represent the all encompassing sameness of your everyday existence. A big blank. What the heck goes ON in my subconscious while i sleep?  Seriously. But truthfully, someone must have written something about the symbolic meaning of the - at some point...

library books contain rebellious, scribbled notes of inspired minds for a moment after i found this, i felt like i was in The Da Vinci Code, deciphering a cryptic and life altering message.  i was not.