looking up

The Bell Jar Sylvia Plath:"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

Content.

Full enough from contemplating the branches.

Not stagnant

but in no hurry.

Only until very recently did I come to understand or appreciate the Tolkein quote,

"Not all who wander are lost."

The crotch of the tree is not necessarily a bad place to be.

Looking up. Peace.

It is good to be still

It is good to be

It is good

It is

It

it is now and i know that much

still processing

i am easily distracted as of late

can't read a book

or sing a song

with my whole heart or attention.

i bought a bike and i ride it sometimes.

green.

What is ever right? How do we ever know, in life, what is worth risking... what is better left unexplored... what is worth fighting for and what is better left alone?

everyday decisions. risks. worth. moments amplified that impact the present

impactingeverything

at 27, i feel less certain of what i want or what the point may be

than when i was 22

but i am not so afraid of that, really. not really.

debt insurance expired car registration 17 page paper due in 2 weeks and no thesis

what is my point?

what is it that i hope to prove?

infinite interpretations

freedom and paralysis

lightness and a dull, dull weight.

i hope your heart is light.

debate

youtube: Christopher Hitchens vs. Turek

14 segments.

Dear Christians, Preaching to the choir will not prepare you for debate. -L

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IM-6FnArd3M

descarte's grave stone reads

"He who hid well lived well."

i waver

I finished God Is Not Great in the airport yesterday. While his argument style may not be flawless, it addressed and answered to so many of my reservations about the practice of religion.

(Everything I am saying or thinking or writing or grappling with has been said or thought or written or grappled with by many many people many many times before repeat repeat repeat. there is some kind of comfort there)

I am beginning to realize that probably this summer I will have to destroy my mother's world. On the phone last weekend, I heard myself answering back to her faith talk with old faithful rote replies, and it made my skin crawl. I still know the language, but I do not subscribe.

It must be,

but I dread it.

Deliberation.

I don't do well with dishonesty

but it is not always so easy

to articulate the truth.

I am growing more and more distant

from the possibility of a return...

A really difficult part of all of this

has been learning to navigate my personal growth and changes

with others who are happily fixed in theirs.

maybe I will always waver

maybe I will always wander

maybe I am wired this way

...

i am facing an altogether different kind of leap.

i hope this anticipation is more difficult than the aftermath.

i hope i am right to hope that people are resilient.

out in it

my body is wrecked and i am thinking so slowly

but my heart is full and calm

despite it all

unforeseen crossroads

This message from a friend says it better than i have the energy to articulate:

(I have AMAZING friends)

"my need for answers has been distilled simply to the need for assurance that if there are answers, they will find me before it's too late. before i fuck things up beyond repair.

does God exist or is it the existence of a "god" that we need to keep us in line, compel us to be better, to be more, than we would be without that tension?

why are we eaten alive by trivialities? why does every thing i (think i) know seem to contradict itself at unforseen crossroads?

my friend's parents died in a plan crash last week. another friend's uncle committed suicide, leaving behind a note explaining their financial woes and how the life insurance money will fix everything.

i can't find my compass. all the hypotheticals. the landslide of choices is crushing my ability to see clearly.

i've given up Kierkegaard for Bukowski.

i wonder if my inability/refusal to connect with others is a self-imposed prison born out of some fear.

that old catchphrase-- find out who you are. "self-discovery"
-is this something already there, something intrinsic? or is it something we construct with the millions of decisions we make?

maybe everything is seen clearly only when it is finished, in retrospect. like you can't really know ANYTHING about death until you experience it.

to love and be loved. trite. or true?

what is my indifference?
fear the greatest motivator?
suffering the only true crucible?
the sweetness of pain born from risks that don't pay off?

i love whiskey. and good music. and yes, i still love cigarettes. great conversations. uncontrollable laughter. the economy of well-chosen words. the long days of summer, warm and windy. old photographs. red shoes. the cello. henri. vulnerability. chess & crossword puzzles. the idea of a love affair.

i hate the suffocation i feel when the phone rings. i hate pleasantries. the news. our inability or refusal to be deliberate. expectations. my impulse to buy everything that's on sale. having to go to bed. not being able to sleep when i am ready to go to bed. the reality of a love affair.


i'm sending all this absurdity your way because you are one of a few that will understand and will know that a response is not necessary, but welcome.

let me know when you get there."

so delicate. so exhausted. wanting a long reprieve with no termination date.

conviction

Response to yesterday's post:

When I read this, my heart started beating out of my chest. I realize that it was meant in jest to a degree, but this status was preceded and followed by other serious and strongly worded updates concerned with how terrible and immoral he feels the healthcare reform business is.

I am troubled by this for many, many reasons.

First, the obviously hypocritical nature of the statement.

Second, the fact that so many people liked it. This includes one of my very good friends. As soon as she responded to the post, i texted her some of my thoughts on the issue. she apologized and said it that i was right and that it made her think, but she has yet to retract her comment. it is possible that she doesn't know how). This bothers me because it indicates that this was not just an idiotic statement made from one person, but an idiotic statement that many people of like mind agree with and applaud.

Third, although he may have been joking, this sort of entitlement to judge based on religious conviction is DANGEROUS- even in joking. It implies that some people are better off dead because they do not share the same convictions... it implies that were Obama to suffer from a terminal illness or be killed, that the poster would celebrate his death... have no consideration for the fact that A MAN died, or that a family is grieving, but only care for the fact that a figurehead who he disagreed with no longer held position. While these types of posts may only be flippantly expressed sentiments, they are the beginnings of the type of indoctrination and passionate convictions that lead others to believe in holy war and other atrocities. the fact that so many got a good chuckle and decided to like this "prayer" terrifies me.

People joke about all kinds of sensitive issues all the time. I probably partake myself unknowingly, and I do not ask to be excused.

I do not wish for us all to become oversensitived crybabies who can't take a joke once in a while,

but I would ask that the people who proclaim to value the sanctity of human life reflect such conviction in all areas of their life, not just at March for Life rallies or when it comes to the lives under their own church roofs.

I would ask that people

think

about implications... about empathy... about who they proclaim their god to be.

conviction

..Matthew B... I cannot take credit for this prayer as i am not the author but it is definitely one i am beginning to pray on a daily basis: Dear Lord, This past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcet, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just want you to know that Obama is my favorite President!

Yesterday at 10:27am · Comment ·

6 people like this.

Lindsey

i think that is really messed up.

Yesterday at 1:17pm ·

Rob

Messed up. Yes. Reminds me of an awful bumper sticker I saw: Pray for Obama, Psalms 109:8...

Yesterday at 3:21pm

Kathleen

Very funny, I like this!

Yesterday at 6:56pm

Jessica

love this, thanks for sharing this beautiful prayer!!

sad hours

sad hours seem long

across the world

sudden plunge

cold then adjust

skin learns itself in new surroundings

let those toes find and search the floor & lightness will bring you up again.

brave enough to sink

light enough to float

Also: I got my passport in the mail today. Also: started the music collaboration last night. Also: summer might be as difficult as it is wonderful. a lot of time for thinking means enough time to actually start to process and figure. Also: feeling a little melancholic.

shape up

I have every reason to still be confused and overwhelmed, but the storm has been tempered for the last few weeks. Same questions, same confusion, but muted somehow. A little part of me can understand how people live whole lives filled with slow commutes to and from work and whole nights in front of the television. It is so much easier on many many levels. But for whatever reason, it will never be enough for this little heart or brain.

So, I've been pushing myself in the smallest ways.

I ran for five whole minutes two days ago. My legs were ridiculously achy yesterday as a result. Today I will try again. It's a start.

Tonight I record. I'm mostly excited and a little nervous- mostly because this type of creation will be a totally new experience. All I have to work with are eight lines of lyrics, a general mood, and all the musical toys we could need. From there branch hundreds of possibilities.

Concerning health and fitness:

Right before breaking point (you know, those days right before you look in the mirror and can see all the cheesecake in your chin?)... just before delusion crumbles.... just before willpower and discipline speak up and make decisions for you...

there is this weird compulsion eating thing.... like some extended Fat Tuesday... where for weeks you find yourself eating plates of chillicheeseFritos that you don't even remember ordering... choosing the fries over the salad as if it were the only clear choice... picking food off plates others have shoved aside...

that's weird.

my delusion's crumbled. still waiting on the willpower and discipline to start turning down french fries.

sunday night

this was last week

and it was good

and this week

is about to

begin and

i already

wish it

finished.

thinking about the everything starting from a single nothing. arrow of time. what makes sense and what we will never be able to wrap our puny evolving craniums around. wishing for time to

feel young as i am. today started good but grew to a dread. tell me a story about all our days &

i

will

rest

so

well.

there and back

San Francisco:

refreshing

no beat to march to

no drone of hours

or long minute hands

but the

call of

the moment

unbridled laughter

ache and rest

for the

weary heart

a few days to

set questions aside.

the answers are coming

on their own time.

i want freedom

here:

new lines by my eyes

my face is falling

off

while my mind was occupied

my youth and health

bowed out

in philadelphia i looked in the mirror and saw an old woman staring back at me

but i chased that girl i chased that girl i chased that free spirit to the west coast

i found her

resilient and waiting

this old woman

knows that she is not lost

but deserving

and demands pursuit.

i want to purge my concerns

down to basic survival

mind body heart survival

i want to quit everything

and chase her down

why does security for an old someday woman

take priority over

taking care of that

free free

spirit

girl?

walk sing create daydream swim run eat my vegetables nap travel stay laugh doodle stay up late and sleep all day

content

I saw a news segment once concerning what had been found to be the happiest country in the world (that year, anyway). Denmark or Sweden or Iceland or something was the big winner. After some exploration as to possible factors in their :)s, they traced it to the fact that a temperament founded on low expectations seemed to be the norm in this country. Pessimism (realism?) was the seeming cause of their overall contentedness.

Not that they walked around cursing life all day... just that they expected very little from life or from anyone else....

So when life produced anything above dull/drab/sad (none of which were huge let downs), it was a great surprise and a source of joy.

Today was a good day, if only because I expected that it would be much more difficult than it was.

:)

Galileo

Everything falls apart

Everything changes

Everything falls apart

Everything changes

I woke up and the world was spinning

I woke up and it won't stop spinning.

Was it always spinning?

Is it even spinning?

The center did not hold

The weight of it all

Forget what you've been told

And watch it fall

Let it fall.

content

What if this is not a matter of recovery?

Not something to be recovered

Not something runaway

Or misplaced

That might one day be returned by a friend

Or show up unannounced on my doorstep?

What if a cup has tipped

And its contents

Will remain

Forever anywhere

Except back in the cup

in the same way again?

heavy

everything is heavy today. these days do not always announce themselves. terrified of everything. everything.

moments like this

I cry watching American Idol. Every time. As phony as the show may be, they sometimes capture authentic moments when people recognize their own potential.... moments when they see goodness.... when they acknowledge something in themselves that they were afraid to be proud of. It moves me. I have a similar reaction when I watch little nerd teenagers interact with their friends.

In all of this wondering and wanting to analyze and know why, I hope I don't lose appreciation for the ability to feel without justification. The justification is there, usually... but there's no need to bust out a powerpoint in the middle of a moment. ya know?

All the words that were said

I will wait to hear someday

and I'll remember that they are true.

things of dreams, real as us

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,

Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

-Elephants romp around this earth freely. There are elephants outside of zoos just doin' their thing at this very moment.

-There are whole communities of animal species that never ever ever come into contact with humans. They are out there or under there or up there doin' their thing at this very moment.

-Huge ram horns, locked in battle for highest ranking amongst females.... the drive to reproduce is FASCINATING. Why? Why is it such an innate desire and need in people and animals to pass on their genes? Where does that come from?

1. Survival... but how is that imbedded in animals who are not able to comprehend that generations and generations will carry on after their own deaths.

2. Intelligent design... implying that the passing on of genes signifies a refinement that is moving toward something... but if so, toward what? are we just a means to an end?

3. Sex drive? huh.

Either way, it's fascinating to me that there are thousands of years of creatures adapting and changing and dying and passing on their genes that would go on just as well without us. interaction with any alien race would inspire no less awe in me than the rainbow belly salamanders or underwater eyeless creatures. real life narnia. things of dreams. real as us.

i don't know

TED Blog: Rev. Tom Honey on TED.com

"In the end, the only thing I could say for sure was, "I don't know." And that might be the most profoundly religious statement of all."

segregate

that is how my morning started.

as i was walking around my first block of the day and noticing that, based on the reading check quiz answers i was seeing, only half of my girls actually had a clue what we'd be talking about, the day seemed like it might continue to get more frustrating.

but as i waited for them to finish their quizzes, i made an 11th hour, day-changing decision.

today i segregated all my classes.

basic lesson (i hope) they learned through the experience: it is not a right to mooch off the work and ideas of others. participating in class discussion is a privilege earned by actually doing the reading and having something thoughtful to contribute when you come to class. amen foreva.

result: from the crowd who spent the class working independently to redo a quiz for half credit that they should have easily passed- annoyed... at themselves. from the group who got to circle up for class discussion- more willingness to contribute... sense of camaraderie... shy girls that i haven't heard much from in months volunteered their thoughts. one in particular (timid as a mouse) made it a point to say hi to me twice in the halls after class.

there are plenty of aspects of life, positive and negative, that we have no control over. that's not an excuse for not taking responsibility for the choices you do make.

sad note: in a significant way, the success of this experiment is only due to the fact that i work in a private school where respect is the norm. in philly, telling the kids that they would miss out on discussion and would have to work independently would have resulted in markers being thrown at my head. seriously. sadly, perhaps inner-city kids would benefit from the core of this lesson the most.

that leap

Regarding the whole “leap of faith” thing-

1. Sometimes faith is distinguished as faith because it concerns something that cannot be seen. In that sense, we act on faith all the time in our day to day lives. Entering my cc number online to purchase something is an act of faith. I cannot see the virtual signals and numbers moving through wirelessness. I know that the end result is a package on my doorstep, but I do not monitor the whole process, and don’t really know the first thing about how technology works in that sense. I don’t need to, either. But I also know that I COULD know how it works if I wanted to find out.
2. In other ways, I guess faith could be belief in something seemingly impossible, or improbable. The first examples that come to my mind seem to be hope rather than faith. Going through a crisis, you might “have faith” that things will work out for the best… but isn’t that really just hope? Wishing? Perhaps I am wrong in even including that in the definition of faith.
3. In the faith sense concerning God, it seems that faith is somewhat of a combination of both. An added factor might be that you can have faith in something reasonably… meaning- even if you haven’t seen it, and it seems rather impossible, you can reason that it is the mostly reasonable explanation and therefore can be taken on faith to be true. If I cannot otherwise explain how the material world came to be, it can logically follow that there exists something outside of the material that brought it into being. If I cannot explain where the order in the universe comes from or is sustained, it could follow that whatever set this universe at work also infused it with order as opposed to chaos. ….

I may be able to stand behind some of that reasoned faith. Maybe. My experience tells me that there are occurrences in my life that seem beyond the realm of scientific perception… patterns noticed, feelings of connectedness, seeming coincidence… but couldn’t all these unexplainable things be due to the fact that, as humans, we’re still relatively ignorant to an in depth understanding of our own species? Couldn’t science at some point discover a perceptible and explainable sixth sense that makes sense of the connectedness and patterns? What then? But even in that, there’s that human element that resists simple scientific rationale. If we are so similar to animals in so many ways, what accounts for the ways in which we are so distinct? Ultimately, why? If I am just one creature- a creature with a birthday moving toward a deathday like every ringworm and prairie dog in existence- why is it that I ask why? Where does this ability to reflect on purpose and meaning come from, and what is to be done with it?

A second level of resistance comes from trying to move the leap of faith into a practice of religion. A rationalized leap of faith might move me toward a belief in God, but where does Jesus Christ factor into all this? I don’t know at what point I will be able to say, “Yes, I believe a man who was also God walked on this earth, died, but then physically rose into heaven and will come again.” I don’t know how I can possibly say I believe in that, and I don’t know how I can believe that without proof, which is where this leap is supposed to bridge the gap, I guess.

“The whole point of faith is that there isn’t proof, that’s why it’s faith.” I make acts of faith like internet purchasing, but only because I am aware that the process is knowable, and that I could understand it if I wanted to. With the idea of dying and rising and being God and man, it is asking me to believe something so very outside of what seems possible, all based on old evidence (?), all of which is supposed to have some deep personal impact on me and also be a huge factor in where I spend an eternity after this lifetime of trying to figure it out. To me, it just doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t seem fair that our reason sets us apart from animals, but when it comes to religion, it’s only allowed to take us so far.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve whispered into the dark, “Jesus, are you God?”

midsleep

At 2 a.m. the neighbor through the paper thin wall woke me up out of a deep sleep by playing this trying-to-be-sexy song with a horrendous base line. Apparently at some point between fumbling for ear plugs and cursing the stars I scribbled down these lines. Now presenting... straight from my near subconscious....

stay up later

ease into the dayer

if you pleaser

baby cheek squeezer

all the songs from back when i was

don't quite mean as much

all or nothing

and not enough

listening to the base line

DUH! DUH! DUH!

hammering into my sleeping thoughts.

as soon as i'm fully awake

it'll stop.

i read what you wrote and i set it aside.

i read what you wrote and i set it aside.