i'll let you know when i get there

"In me she has drown a young girl, and in me an old woman Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish." "Mirror" -Sylvia Plath "I'm getting old," she says, touching her neck.  "Look at all these wrinkles." A constant state of surprise A strange reintroduction A failure to recognize your self in your skin How did things change when I feel quite the same? I fear these pictures from my mom's wedding will take me a month to get through.  They're all there- ready- but I can't get past the smallest batch before the swelling of some horrible force of emotion stalls me.  Who IS that?  Who IS she?  Where AM I in that frame? How did I spend the whole weekend with them an not see them at all?  How is it that my face? and to think these are the easy years- years that i will look back on in a few decades as vibrant with a lack of responsibility.  to think that the future scrapes toward a growing dependence- louder nee...

1. I think the whole "live your passion" or "find a job that doesn't feel like work" vibe applies only to the hoping and wishing middle class. The upper class don't need to be reminded- it is their reality. To insist upon pursuit of passion to the disenfranchised seems cruel. How about pursuit of basic needs? Passion and dreaming are the curse and blessing of the middle dwellers. Those who aren't but might be. 2. food money sex popularity youth drinking aspecificperson spirituality music smoking fitness at any given time, I think everyone it's in some manner controlled by some underlying fixation. listenand you'll hear it. 3. I think, out of nowhere, I caught a case of the blues. What to do.

goddamn it, to catch a glimpse is to crave the vision. there are some leaps i could take, i think.

Something that used to make me happy but now (kinda) makes me sad:   teaching Something that makes me sad:  Overweight middle aged people eating salad and raw vegetables for lunch every day.  What gives?  What is the point of anything? Something that used to make me sad but now makes me happy:  When my new neighbor had two little kids with loud little feet and screams in tow, I was a little annoyed.  I mean, I did not move to a residential neighborhood to live next to kids, right?  Right.  But I've softened up.  Every few mornings I get to hear a little exchange between the little six or seven boy and his live-in grandma as he leaves for school.  "I love you, grandma!" "I love you to infinity!" she'll say.  "I'll love you to infinity PLUS ONE!"  he'll respond.  Or "I love you, grandma."  "I love you more!"  "I love you most!"  He always has the last word and it is always perfect. Something that makes m...

It occurred to me today that my doubt about the sustainability of long term romantic relationships feels a lot like when I first started seriously questioning and breaking away from my religious belief.  It had nothing to do with no longer wanting to believe.  It had nothing to do with rebellion.  It just no longer made sense. I went through so much internal conflict in the beginning.  I begged for signs.  I tried to accept the lack of evidence.  I took the burden on myself, thinking that I just hadn't read enough or tried hard enough to make faith work.  But given that the questions I became brave enough to ask only lead to more unanswered questions, faith broke down entirely and rapidly when I refused to divorce it from my intellect. I feel that way now on a lot of levels.  For most of my life, I have never questioned the plausibility of commitment or marriage as an end.  In many ways, I think I'm built for partnered life... for a share...

I'm starting to think that almost everyone in the world is kinda sleezy.

so overdue except minus the Dewey Decimal system-like order 1.  To a Senior who shared with me news about her acceptance into a NY Performing Arts school, "It will be overwhelming... because you'll feel special and not special at the same time.  And the reality is, both are true." #realtalk 2.  Said and heard while sitting around at coffeeshops over teh last few months: "Let there be no record of our shame." -me "History is a trading of corruptions." -me "How many wars have the horses started?  None." -Neil #coffeehousephilosophers 3.  Too much work and no play makes Lindsey a financially stable(ish) adult.  #therearemoreimportantthings 4.  Last weekend I woke up in between unavoidable, restless naps with the distinct thought that someday, along with a birthday, I will have a death day.   Death hasn't been on my mind in any anxiety connected way since I dropped religion years ago.  I didn't necessarily feel panicked, just......