i'll let you know when i get there

The past was brilliant. The future, bright. "Tonight was a great night. Politics is fun. When I am sitting in the middle of a dinner party positioned right next to a demolition derby and eating chicken with a state house candidate and a Justice on Michigan's Supreme Court, I think about you and I think about how all light blue candles smell like you, and these thoughts make me smile. Your are a real jungle beauty Lindsey. You can never see you, but once in a while you appear out of nowhere and eat the farmer's chicken before returning to wherever you come from. You better be achieving something down there. I don't care what it is, but it better be something. Love you in all the right ways. --- Lindsey wrote: > When she got to the door, she could still hear his > car running at the curb. She wanted to look back, > but she knew that in a certain sense, it would mean > she had lost. She took her time finding her key- > she wa...

And you knew this would happen. This is part of that. Suffer the hours. See the ugly- the unapologetic- and wrap it in your solitude until it does not shriek. Only forward by small shrouded steps and unknown is all it will ever be. Death. Departure. (when nothing turned something turns nothing again) We approach cautious or casually. and when we know, it will be too late to retrace or to catch our breath A heart kept is a heart in decay. A heart given is buried alive but beating. Beating still.

"Not that it was beautiful, but that, in the end, there was a certain sense of order there; something worth learning in that narrow diary of my mind, in the commonplaces of the asylum where the cracked mirror or my own selfish death outstared me... I tapped my own head; it was glass, an inverted bowl. It's a small thing to rage inside your own bowl. At first it was private. Then it was more than myself."

so, we only get one life, right? and one body to experience it in. and all along we´re loathing or trying to adjust or learning to appreciate this body that´s really just bent toward decay and changing fast anyway. humans are such babies as a species. i feel like we don´t even come close to placing value on what really matters. or...giving it the attention it deserves. but...i have no idea what matters. i have no idea what is important and what is disposable. self image? community? survival? patriotism? faith? financial security? expression? words? memories? family? animals? space exploration? the moment? goals? laughing? thinking? babies? beauty? solitude? avoiding pain? embracing pain? preparedness? spontaneity? what am i supposed to crave when the demands of the day are met? what the fuck matters?

When I was loading my entire life into my car to move west, she made a big huff about not making room for a $15 toaster she had bought me on a visit to Philly. I made it fit; I judged her for her petty shortsightedness. Four years later, I have no idea what happened to that toaster, but I wish I had it now. I've been craving toast. "A merely clever man is partial to self, despising other, vaunting ego; the man of understanding takes the larger view: nothing exists to take exception to. Nothing is real." Despite all his thinking and believing, R. Kelly has yet to fly. At some point a few weeks ago, I made the decision to be less active on facebook. I have been better for it. Now I look at people more. Welcome silence. A sense of decluttering of the mind. I do not feel any negative impact from not being up to speed on other people's minute to minute statuses. I have been trying to live deliberately, even if it's through lulls in conversation or waiting in...

"Choosing not to become the person your family expected is painful. You have to leave their world completely just to make sense of your own life. And then fate lures you back whenever it can to give you a chance to measure the distance between yours and theirs... and to see if it's just as far as you remembered." -This American Life, NPR love

Thought: Dehumanizing crazy downtown/urban dwellers is easy to do because they so effectively dehumanize themselves. At what point in the divorce from reason does humanity go, too? Never? Even when they can't string together a comprehensible sentence? Even when they see their own lives through a smudged pane? Even when they urinate freely in public? Even when (whether due to their own choices or sheer shitty luck of unfortunate birth circumstance leading to susceptibility to make poor choices where others might not) they've certifiably and irrevocably lost their minds? What makes any of us human? Many worlds in this one, alien and ignorant. Not all are as conducive to sustaining life.