i'll let you know when i get there

Cats do not know it is Christmas.  They don't know about the little baby or the endless exchange of currency. No hopes dashed.  No busy stores and no need to reach out and no invitations to accept or decline and no special clothes.  Cats do not bother with any of that.

a quiet day to see what might be events on the horizon a garbled changing frame from before but here in this soft evening light I am somewhere outside of time and need expecting nothing noticing more this strange, true beating human heart bright, enormous divine 

Something happened today. Right after I heard,  I fumbled with the remote And paced around the room And felt a strange bodily shock Even as my mind was stirring doubt. Is that blood even real?  Why is it so red?  Why isn't there more of it?  When he popped right back up and said "Wait wait wait"  And then pumped his first and mouthed the words "Fight fight fight" I shuddered at the suggestion And wondered why He'd only mouthed The loudest part. The world did not stop, Not really. Not like it did before  There were so many ways To see. We moved along our day, Redirected our hours to  Our own private joys and tragedies And watched something else on TV. 

What is happening is Matthew in China is telling me about how his science class experiment got cancelled because a bunch of kids got sick from the fertilizer. And the trees are just blossoming pink outside- last year it seemed to only last a week before summer arrived full-on, or at least the blooms were gone.  Yesterday, Scream Queen classics were mentioned in a book I'm reading. Last night I dreamt I was being stalked by a killer. I've never even seen those films.  And across the world there are unspeakable atrocities occurring that I am too gutless or boundaried to expose myself to, But plenty are. And there's an ALL CAPS multiple-posts-a-day frenzied number who are mad at me for caring so little and for carrying on so blythely and how dare I take a walk or piddle away hours on trash tv and how dare I NOT USE MY VOICE. And right now I am telling Matthew he's a vocabulary superstar and great focus and do you want to use our last few minutes for vocabulary pictionary a...

Looking at my own tooth in my own hand  -A thing where it should not be- On a night when I happen to be home alone With no one to scream the shock to Means whispering oh my god oh my god Quietly Staring at the small piece of glass Then rushing to see the gaping hole where it used to be Wondering when, exactly, It stopped being me.

I absorb sadness (the soaking kind) Like a sponge Too full to wring What is a little more To add to the end of An unfixed dripping Tidal Swing Unanchored Stream of months Porous and poor Another year

When it starts getting darker early Layers and thicker socks And by 7pm I'm ready to give in Those liminal minutes That feel like an actual pull And my body feels heavy and far away My mind deliciously blank In those moments I am fearless I am most ready For nothing