i'll let you know when i get there

for a time today i remembered how i was looking through a familiar window impossible to say she was happier or sadder or more confident or lonely secure being a relative term a delicate balance between responsibility and desire striking each side like a gong and ringing ringing hollow deaf to empathy a kind word lost a paradox where the only way to the actual is through some imagined hope dropped down quietly into a large empty space walk away quickly i am so tired i am so tired (and fears imagined with too much might chase themselves out of our ears and into broad daylight where they stand on the other side of the street or the phone or the bed and look at us with big, unblinking eyes saying  "i'm here.  i'm here now.   what are you going to do?") fast, go, now wake up with that ringing in your ears

too much/ not enough broke n the ridiculousness of the idea of unconditional love occurred to me today and from here on out home is where  i am every small violin strung so tight heart pounding words choking drinking alone in the shower wash it down from here on out

No robots, just me.  Good luck on your journey. On the road toward truth is a nice place to be. William P.S. You are a good writer. (I just want to remember this for a long time. People looking out for and encouraging others. That I'm still on a journey, even if I've settled into disbelief. Growth growth growth. There is so much life to live. There are so many things to write. So much to capture. Pictures and words. Cut to the core.)

Dear William Lobdell, I just finished your novel, Losing My Religion , and I feel compelled to write a brief word of thanks, as I'm sure many readers do.  You very concisely captured so many emotions that accompanied my de-conversion as well.  I related well to the expression of the comfort and sense of order that embracing faith initially gave to your life.  I appreciate your systematic and respectful deconstruction of those ideals through your experience.  The last bit that addressed the grieving process, the anger, and also the sense of relief and wonder that comes from finally admitting to your loss of faith were also feelings that I know well, and they were comforting to read. I was Catholic for the first 25(?) years of my life.  I went to a private Catholic school all the way through high school.  After only a brief time away from my faith in high school, I embraced it again full force, touring the country with a Catholic group called NET Ministrie...

that awful, pathetic, underwhelmed about humanity feeling you get when you see the choir director accidentally drop his lunch on the floor and then curse just loudly enough to be heard for the next five minutes. names in vain curses pork chops on the floor we are all so strange. the east has taken the path of least resistance the internet being god provides them with answers, oh glow screen glow and then they discard it all to the recycle like a little secret prayer in the wake of a tragedy that never happens how many languages does it take to curse your name hard

tonight i spent some good hours with M.  she made me watch the pilot episode of  Felicity , which I  probably  won't have any recollection of in a few years' time.  But there's a chance that I will remember something of the conversation that followed.  And on chance that I don't, here's a gist: It involved fear and flow and not feeling grown up yet... not for lack of maturity or experience, but because our lives do not fit the pattern of our parents and so we have no precedent for what 30 as an independent, unmarried, childless person "should" or even could look like.  No house no husband no kids... the markers of adulthood we grew up observing do not apply to us. And so we continue feeling caught up in some post pubescent haze, waiting to be grown up when we already are.  And not meeting those arbitrary markers makes us feel compelled to spend our time chasing some other types of markers- degrees or notoriety or...

oh, hello world of words! here is what is up: asia exhausts africa eludes and america is excess excess excess here i am http://365project.org/lindseying/365 on a million trails like nancy drew with the last chapter missing and really, that's probably closer to the truth there are a million version of that last chapter and no definitive authority the intrigue! i am happy every single day at least once and i am saving that in a jar.