i'll let you know when i get there

L- You make me smile to think that others feel remotely the way that I do every second of my life. My life is beginning to show signs of relief. I hope that you feel the same now. I'm sorry you have to worry about stupid papers. Eventually they will be a thing of the past and get to eat ice cream and walk around naked the moment you walk in the door. I miss you dreadfully.

this morning i drove past an accident (crash) i very nearly witnessed (thump) airbags deployed and went limp (flaccid) engine smoking after impact i barely looked- worried more about making the green before sirens muddled up the whole scene. forgotten phantom panicked face in the passenger window. impassive nearly asleep awake but something moves in my periphery something stirs me from cold everyone in their single shells (loaded and cracked) (ready) (or not) (categorized) (scrutinized) (one of a dozen) (or more) all bent toward decay sooner or later and still we do. i am largely uninspired.

S: L: You are experiencing the gut wrenching aspect of being human. You are facing down the heavy and the ache and the daring to love. It is always a dare. Always a risk. You are having to realize- to feel in that unbearable way- that connecting with others means being vulnerable to a lack of control. It is humbling. Makes you feel limbless- stranger to self. Welcome, though. Welcome to it. let it all fall apart. ... And don't even think of dating until you feel good on your own. S: L: Have you left the house today? Make yourself leave the house today. S: L: And it GOES in waves. Minute by minute. One foot in front of the other. S: L: Crazy is an ok place to feel. At your core, you are not. S: L: Damn. Damn. On a positive note... you were doing fine. focus on the fact that for a good stretch of hours you were ok. you will get there again. What is your plan for today? S: L: Cling to the little moments of ok for dear life... even knowing that they're ...

Contentedness and the inability to be moved (swayed) while retaining the ability to feel. risk. without becoming vacant. We are rarely victims- mostly volunteers. What do you volunteer yourself to? What are you choosing? We do the damnedest things to feel a sense of purpose. I rode late with no knife. Old people holding hands after[an assumed]all. We're all rubbish. We are all teeming with potential and I ignore stoplights.

"of course, there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the defa ult setting, the "rat race" -- the constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing." -David Foster Wallace "This is Water" I've been surprised to learn that DFW finds resisting isolation so important to personal happiness/freedom/identity. I don't know much of the guy {yet}, but i had an image of a brilliant, cynical, reclusive genius author man... not a man who sees value in sacrifice for others or pursing authenticity in relation...