i'll let you know when i get there

Today I'm crying because I've never written a novel and I likely won't start today. What exactly am I grieving? The loss of a potential that is still very much alive? maybe the years have made me fearful maybe the risk to try feels more intimidating somehow maybe there is so much to grieve in the world that this is just a very literal way to process not knowing where to begin

The Endeavour space capsule landed back on earth today and I couldn't bring myself to care and I couldn't stop crying. I think I must have hit a depression bump, I tell him and he looks at me sideways and keeps chewing his food. So here I am at the start of a new month in a year that seems to be starting to swallow me whole.