i'll let you know when i get there

i have a sense for poison, now. a recognition in a tone. a calculated mystery. a silence where there should be sharing. a rush of words to cover some shame. an eagerness to be pleased. an excuse for not pleasing. those voids- - - black holes of adoration. even now, finishing arguments. honest conversations with the walls and a fist locked firm around some old vial. riots in some middle state. people losing lives and friendship and security. we watch from the coast with eager, hungry eyes. follow the minute-by-minute just to know how safe we are. my blood runs too- safe and contained watching smaller dramas unfold watching from some safe seat like a voyeur for heart violence there is a draft in here in need of an edit this doesn't deserve another grappling poem romancing the poison exonerating the pain it all feeds the vacancy that should be left to starve dry the cycle the magnetic shift, i want to be separate from it. another swearing off- - - ...

"Wild Geese" You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the  prairies  and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the c lean  blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the  wild geese , harsh and exciting - over and over announcing your place in the family of things. -Mary Oliver "the kind steeped in books, with a curious eye, a digger, someone unfond of the common question.  a rarity, not a kind of person at all, but a singular example of personhood."

i found this gem in the back of a student's notebook left behind from last year.

when you let international students choose their own poem to recite, and you include Bukowski on the list of author options...

there is all this to do at the start who am I who am I not who might I be for you with you to you after you where does the line of the I stand firm and where does it topple over to stretch to something wider and when does a stretch mean a break? (threaded bare tears streaming down the sides bring the pain bring the pleasure two's company THREE's company I'm ready for anything prepared for nothing you'll have to take me as I am take me take) "until there's one you can't ignore" what is wanted here? what do any of us truly want that we can even name? acronyms to infinity cut to the chase dial it back double check before you send there are no promises to make (There was never time. That was always the reason offered. Never time for old and new.  But now there seems to be. Now there's time and now you do. There wasn't time for me and you. You must have been done long before I knew.  And there I was still trying. St...

"i always feel like such an outsider when i walk down the streets here" she says almost every time she visits it's after labor day and she's wearing white.  she has no idea that there are rules. on a grey tuesday, we go to the museum of tolerance this was her only real goal for her visit- the only place she knew she wanted to go fifteen minutes into the tour,  she leans over to me "what does antisemitism mean?" she asks the part of me that, three years ago, would have judged her so harshly for being so out of touch with the world- for her inexperience- would have been so embarrassed about her ignorance- now burst at the seams with a sort of compassion that is new Her voice was so curious.  So genuine in her desire to understand.  So innocent. She's aging.  We both know.  She says.  I watch. She is slower to react.  Slower to acclimate to her surroundings.  Slower to recover from a coughing fit. And also Slower to judge....

They say that in dreams, teeth represent control. Last night I was in the backseat, my dad was driving me to the B's. Three of my teeth came out.  They came out easily, all at once. There was a lack of panic in my reaction. I wasn't upset. In fact, I felt relieved that we could turn around and go to the dentist instead of the B's because I didn't want to go visit them anyway.  I sat patiently during the drive, holding my teeth in my hand.  My dad, the worrier, was more concerned, but even he didn't seen too bothered. He knew a good dentist.  I later noticed that some of my bottom teeth were loose and wiggling too. When we stopped at the house and I looked in the mirror, I didn't think the gap from the teeth looked all that bad. Maybe even cute in a quirky way. I figured the other teeth would eventually shift over and make up for the absence. This bodes well for letting go gracefully. This bodes well for making peace with the gaps. Grow grow grow.

1.   Can the English writing people of Earth please agree to stop using "dat" for "that"?  When did that become a thing? It makes my innards shriek. 2.  2 chocolate chip cookies for dinner. Feeling myself lately. 3. This weekend I got out of my head and into my body, and it's astonishing how easily all that anger melted away. All that was boiling was caused by a speck.  All that incited has been dissolved. 4. Who are these instagram wonders who eat fancy eggs and drink the fanciest coffee served on perfectly crisp tabletops and linen every goddamn day? Who are they, where are they, and how do I get there? 5.  AND ALSO, let's just clarify that a moment is generally an ephemeral, very brief occurrence.  Let's stop saying "that moment when" you worked a 70 hour week or "that moment when" you try and try and nothing ever works.  Those are not moments.  Stop. 6.  and also too- man, the little hiccups of rage.  the little wishes t...