i'll let you know when i get there

heavy tonight pull of melancholy from no source just some echo from a distant surface there is no why and nothing pleases in a turn all that can excite suddenly will not after experience is a quiet hour or two a fruitless reckoning a necessary pause

Remember when I used to be comfortable taking selfies?  I think the last few years have brought in a bit of confusion for me there.  When I got the DSLR, phone quality photos just didn't do it for me anymore... and it's nearly impossible to take a decent self portrait with the Nikons without some serious forethought and set up.  So I just sort of stopped.  I disappeared behind the lens and documented to excess the rest of my world.  It sort of came in conjunction with a disdain for the way that so many women use selfies.  In my mind, selfies became directly related to cries for attention and a gross desperation for affirmation.  Even now, when people write flattering things on a profile picture, I feel weird about it.  As if affirmation of my looks points to my insecurities.  I don't know if that makes sense outside my head.  What I do know is that it's quite a bit distorted at its core, and I'm hoping to get it sorted eventually. ...

4 .

i went to the city.  i didn't find that picture and the ache felt far away.  now i'm in the country & there's some comfort in the rain. i'm hanging up my well-worn badge. i've looked and found for my last time. now i know that i can say never with utter peace of mind.

grief. deep. goodbye goodbye goodbye