a little this & that

quick and unthoughtthrough state of the union.

business is booming and i love it.  there are times during event shooting where i could just set down my camera for a few minutes and weep for joy.  i've had experiences like this before, but they are rare and have never been this definitive.  to feel like i am doing exactly what i want to be.  what i'm good at.  doing something that makes me feel most me.  it's powerful.

after all of the changes of the last decade, i don't claim to know myself if definite terms anymore.  but i KNOW photography.  i know it to my core.

so a helluva resounding YAY and weepy joy tears to all that.  enough to get me through these annoyances:
1.  because i have yet to make the leap to full time photog, i'm essentially working 2 full time jobs. frustrating and exhausting.  i'm handling it well, but i can't help but day dream about how much more i could do with all those extra hours and surges of energy.  someday.  a man a plan a canal. pandemonium.

2.  I AM MY ONLY ADVOCATE FOR THE WORTH OF MY TIME.  people offer things like "good exposure" as compensation for HOURS of labor and time spent away from... whatever else i would be doing.  netflix or cats or eating nachos or whatever.  VALUABLE TIME.  i'm past the point where i feel good about shooting things for free, and a part of me just hoped that my client base would also make that transition.  instead, i just fielded a mssg from a past client wanting me to shoot an event for $50 and 2 meal tickets.  ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?  When all is said and done, that would probably amount to $5/hr.  My time is too precious to be offering favors.  the PLUS SIDE is that i am very quickly bursting out of my peoplepleaserbornandraised skin.  i will have no problem saying a polite NOWAYJOSE to that.  none at all.  i think a past me would have accepted and tried to convince myself that it was somehow worth it in other nonmonetary ways just to make the client happy.  that girl said sigh-anara sometime over the last 6 months.

3.  i still take criticism very personally.  a man just emailed me about how he was having trouble ordering a picture from my site, and that he had tried a number of different platforms and methods and that "Next time, maybe you need to change your service provider."  OK DUDE, I'LL GO AHEAD AND SCRAP MY ENTIRE WEBSITE THAT I'VE BEEN ADDING TO FOR OVER A YEAR BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T ENTER 2014 AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO OPERATE A GODDAMN VIRTUAL SHOPPING CART.  I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT.  it's the tone that gets me.  the "you need to".  the offering unwarranted advice on how i can be better.  but the PLUS SIDE is that by the time i had finished driving home and scarfed down half a tray of nachos, i was in a calmer frame of mind to think through his message.  i was able to read it as a man who was frustrated because he couldn't figure out how to get what he needed.  he was taking it out on me but he was really mostly frustrated with himself.  so i called and met the gruffest old man voice eva with compassion and understanding.  by the end of the call i had killed that gruffbutt with kindness and i'm pretty sure he's making me a BFF bracelet to send me in the mail right now.

holla.  2014 is all sorts of radical.

all praise and glory

the keys to the kingdom looks like a 30 day trial of amazon prime.  the sky opened up and the glory shone down in the form of scandal (season 3) and mad men (season 6).  technology, i praise your name.  goodbye world of people productive and brunching before noon.  hello, weeks of emotive entertainment.  alleluia.

where does it hurt?

It's hard to say exactly where the pain is felt-
a phantom limb of sorts.
It feels like a physical ache, but only after.
To place the pain would be fix it on
memory or hope
something not inside or outside
mixed up in past and futures
and felt presently
in no real way
that can be
identified
so as to
mend.

b/w

1.  i took a very long walk today.  

i thought it was strange that the birds seemed to separate themselves by color.  

2.  new neighbors 

3.  

4.

sound

turned

i do not believe that the act of giving is always to be praised. to give up. to give in. to give when you should not. to bend in ways that do not allow for straightening out again.  these days when every punctuation mark takes on some 20 layers of meaning.  the  presence or the absence of a particular inflection can be devastating. (She is speaking in codes again, she is speaking in that way.)  And this is no game of madlibs with some other voice filling in the cues for reconciliation or destruction, this is a game of One.  This is a game of one, and a page quietly turning.

this is important.
feel it all. 

testing

chatty cathy asian eighth grader

taking her placement test

who, during the break, informed me all about her figure skating career

who, during the math test, had to ask me what a can of tuna looks like

who, at the end, asked permission to make her math scratch paper into origami

you go right ahead 

high five

1.  things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world; whatever, i'm going dancing.  went saturday.  danced a little last night.  would again if i could again.  i dare say it is impossible to be overwhelmed or unhappy while dancing.  you just wiggle it all away.  and on that note,  i REALLY want to work for myself sometime in the not too distant future so that i can maybe sleep in a little after my 31 year old body wiggles past midnight.

2.  i think Don't Trust the B... in Apt 23 is so great.  just really so great.

3.  saw "her" again.  laughed and cried still... sometimes my eyes welled up at just how beautiful the shots were.  that movie makes me want to take photos.

4.  last night james and lauren gifted me with a DELICIOSO jar of spicy pickles that i set on the passenger seat floor of my car while i went to j's holiday work party.  when i returned in a heavily alcohol and karaoke state of 3 a.m. giddiness, my mind spun.  i reached down to pick up the jar and realized that the juice had a leaked out.  I prepared for full panic mode, but was SHOCKED and OVERJOYED to find that the jar had been perfectly resting on a smushed box of kleenex, which had absorbed nearly all the pickle juice.  praise ye, pickled gods.  praise ye.

5.  not sure.

down low
too slow

iphone treasure trove

Camp Patton following little ol' ME?  day = made 

i am not a mother and i am not catholic, but i just LOVE grace and her family and her writing voice.  i snortle at Conversations with Julia and Julia Styles every single time. 

They just couldn't justify springing for the whole roll of border?  Is this evidence of the tight budget?  A faculty room mystery.

true dat (remember when people used to say that?  it's uncomfortable).

another faculty room mystery.  this little gem showed up after christmas break on the give-away/free table in a package.  no takers.  today i took it out of the box to inspect it a little more closely.  it makes my brain hurt so bad.  i just really don't understand.

make up

once upon a time
(last night)
i took a shower and then put on makeup and then got ready for bed.
j subtly made fun of me for putting makeup on 20 seconds before going to sleep
and i sputtered out some asinine reason about how i look crazy without makeup because my hair is dark yaddyaddyyaddydeerinheadlights reaction.
and then i thought a little bit about how ABSURD that little habit of mine is.  to think that without eyeliner i am off-putting and hard to look at.  to think that i am monstrous without an eyebrow pencil.  when did that start?  i know that in the last few years, i've been loving discovering the transforming power of makeup (only fifteen years later, right?), but when did that become this ugly story i tell myself about how without it, i am no longer my best me?

and then i wiped off my eyes and went to bed
and woke up and didn't put any on
and i'm still goddamn beautiful.

the end.

a few words

1.  back to work tomorrow (quiet falling NOOOOooooooo......) but allah knows the structure might be just what i need.   whenever i go back, i shock myself at how incredibly productive i can be.  on work days, i accomplish more before 10 a.m. than a whole 3 days of break.  life seems to operate at a faster productivity rate, but a MUCH slower this-is-your-life-wasting-away-while-you-are-having-to-be-here kind of pace.  maybe someday i'll be able to peace-out to my teaching career.  not convinced i'll miss it.

1a.  omg, i've forgotten 84% of my students' names.
2.  i watched one episode of House of Cards, so goodbye to the next week of nighttime hours.  I see it as a very awesome and welcome distraction from the fact that the next MadMen season doesn't come out on netflix until April.  I REALLY NEED TO KNOW how things are going to go there.

3.  it may be time to start noticing and start being noticed soon.  what a world of signals and cues we navigate on the day to day.

4.  the way groups of school kids all act in unison.  drove by a few groups of middle schoolers earlier sitting in a clump of crisscross applesauce in identical phys ed outfits.  they were all just a collective... nobody... from that vantage point.  but inside the minds of each one of them, so much is being worked out.  hunger levels and distractions and anger issues and why doesn't he like me? quanderies.  and then just now, a whole massive herd of elementary kids across the street just drained back into the building after recess like water down a drain after dishes.  no one struggled away.  no one was left.  everyone knew that the place to be was in that crowd and moving with them.  odd.  collectives.  walking in a group.

5.  it is january and i am wearing flipflops and i am sorry, michigan, but i think that it's really over.  i can't imagine working out winter depression in mandatory hibernation mode.  i just can't.  i think i would become an unhealthy and sad version of myself.

6.  remember when i used to judge women so fiercely for wearing yoga type black pants in public?  not that they were too casual, but because they were just so... revealing?  well f'all if i couldn't live and die happily in them.  times, they are a'changin.

7.  that first slow drink of a fresh cup of coffee is so f'ing sexy.  i was trying to find a better word for it, but i'm not convinced there is one.

8.  robots robots robots

a few from the iphone treasury

 
photograph of a photograph.  bang.

bff venting her inner turmoil after finding out that i *gasp* smoked

 i waver so violently between thinking i'm awesome and being embarrassed about my whole existence.

 universe provides context

the very best head butt buddies.  this is sherman in EXTREME HAPPINESS mode.

and i hope you do.

2014

i'm not there yet.

me on a plane

so this is christmas

christmas eve finds me in the airport.  i remember my trip home a few years ago found me frantically trying to finish homemade-heartfelt christmas letters and gifts for everyone.  i'm not that girl anymore.  last year all i wanted to do was take pictures.  this year, my camera is here, but stowed away.  no compulsive urge.  this year, i don't really know who i am or what i'm about.

the airport begs for us to make snapshot judgments of others.  encounters are fleeting but revealing.  in a single visual or audio instant, i can whittle down a person's existence to a single word or defining feature.  

WEALTHY.  JET-SETTER.  GAY.  MOTHER.  CHRISTIAN.  BOHEMIAN.  SOUTHERN.  BOYFRIEND.   TECHIE.  STUDENT.  

the thing is, the observation game quickly kicks back and make me wonder about my own word- my own boiled down identity.  this year, i find myself lacking.  i'm a thirty something sitting cross legged on the airport floor.  i am a woman, but not overly feminine.  i am not a mother or a wife.  i am a white middle class existence wearing the same target cardigan as a million+ other white middle class women.  i am wearing tall boots and jeggings and i am no one at all.

and here usually begins the existential crisis that surrounds visits to michigan. 

but this year- what if i just don't?  what if i just don't bother about it.  what if i stop caring to define or understand myself.  instead of seeking that warm place on the border of some identifying word, what if i just allow myself to exist in between.  uncomfortable, but unanchored.  undefined.  

somewhere in the sky- in between fitful sleep- with thoughts fixed on nothing- moving freely

that's where i'll be.

on the cusp

1.  robots are more and more ubiquitous.  for the record, i'd like to state that i am pro-robot.  a healthy dose of caution, but pro for certain.

2.  we did not visit this time around.  maybe there wasn't a time around.  maybe next time.  next time, i hope.

3.  all those girls quoting joni mitchell around this time of the year.  all those girls in their beautiful existential existences.

4.  a person so small and a world so alive.  a single smile stretches on and on when you've only been alive for six days.  i love that little buddy.  i'm glad about life.  potential.

5.  nervous and unsure.

semantics aside

Chaos in the middle and the door locked tight.  The trash is full.  The weight is over the limit.  So tangible, it may as well be real.

It may as well be real.

Clinton those words.
A semantic slur of deceptive intent.

the letter, the spirit
and a troubled heart
on defense.

An outlaw, no doubt.

glorious absurd

tis the season to buy yourself hair extensions online in a moment of temporary insanity.  it's the most wonderful time of the year.

also:

scandalous

11:13
and i'd already brushed my teeth
but now i find myself eating whole pickles
in bed

kitty kitty

like a cat
like a cat

sudden bursts of wild energy and here's why:
fear and/or joy

staring at phantom walls where a mirror used to be
a whole world of similar molds
dangerous and close

and calling calling calling
attention, please

and then in it -under it-
back up and lean in
kneading
kneading

some warm crawl space to disappear to when i can't see through
fears and phantoms

find me there,
behind the clothes.
find me.

rep resent

oh, hello.
thanksgiving break allowed me to slow down my pace a little and actually think.  i miss thinking.  sunday morning, i watched a few too many biographical documentaries about artists and i ended up feeling a little loopy.  and then there was the 9/11 doc that left me with some capital S serious questions- but that's for another time.  hopefully soon, maybe never.

i'd like to articulate a brief quandary that just popped into my head JUST now.  which is no longer now.  you get it.

So one one hand, there's that cliche "to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result is the definition of insanity."  It's been attributed to pretty much everyone- from ol' Benny Franklin to Einstein and probably Betty White for good measure.  It creeps up as hard evidence any time anyone wants to judge others for some sort of stagnation or stubbornness.

but then there's that pesky other hand.

Isn't doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result the cornerstone of all kinds of wonderful and seemingly sane things?  something like lifting weights.  they call them "reps" because they are REPETITIONS of the same thing and expecting a different result doesn't indicate insanity, but the persistence and discipline to work toward a healthier body.

or how about when your mom used to have to call your name 5 times before you would really be cognizant of her voice trying to get your attention?  that's not insanity- it's just recognizing the need to give people a chance to adjust in order to get a response or reaction from them.  (i guess it might feel like insanity from the mom's perspective).

anyway, i could go on and on with everyday examples that seem to suggest that choosing to repeat behavior and expecting a different result can be a very logical and sane course of action.

didn't Jesus Christ himself SUGGEST this kind of persistent behavior?  isn't there a parable that says in essence that if you bug God enough and show enough persistence, He'll eventually pay attention to you?  Persistence even in the face of no seeming results seems to be a requirement of a good disciple.

and we all know how sane the good holy book is.  all truth all the time.  said jesus.  or dionysus.  or zoroaster.  someone important.  at some time.

fresh & easy

(We just finished reading Like Water for Chocolate and the girls do an assignment where they produce a food contribution, the recipe, and a write up that fleshes out some sort of symbolic value in the food they prepared.  Here was my contribution this year.)

Caesar Salad

Ingredients:

1 Vehicle or friend with a vehicle or mode of public transportation or working legs

1 Fresh & Easy Store

2 Bags of Salad

1 Bowl and Scooper Thing

Directions:

1.  Go to store.

2.  Purchase 2 bags of salad.

3.  Open all the little bags in the big bags.

4.  Dump all the things together.

5.  Mix the things all around.

                  When I was younger, I remember my dad telling me about the supreme intelligence and general awesomeness of Sherlock Holmes.  He’s a fan.  He told me at one point, “Sherlock Holmes says knowing everything isn’t important, the key is to know how to FIND OUT what you need to know. “

                  I didn’t like it.  I was the kind of kid who really LIKED memorizing a bunch of things and spitting them back out on tests.  I didn’t have the best mind for trivia sort of knowledge, but I really liked the process of sitting down to memorize something- and an important part of that was feeling like that skill was somehow going to be useful.   I had big dreams of memorizing all of the countries of the world.   And maybe I’d get wild and memorize their capitals too.  Sherlock Holmes seemed to be deflating those goals.

                  -Flash forward to 2013 (cue video of that endless rainbow kitty video)-

  OK, Sherlock.  OK, dad.  You were so right.  We live in a world where the rote memorization of facts is less and less meaningful.  Our reality is in a constant and increasingly rapid state of flux.  The world I knew as a teenager and the way we connected or learned is DRASTICALLY different than the world you encounter today.  It’s not just technology, either.  The way my generation approaches career options is so different than my parent’s generation.  We shift.  We jump from job to job.  We are transient.  The importance in being a viable candidate in the workforce is no longer really a particular skill set or knowing how to do one thing really well, but the ability to adapt quickly to a new environment using the variety of skill sets you’ve accumulated from your past experience.  (there’s a little nugget of advice in there- did you grab it?  EMBRACE EXPERIENCE.  All things teach. )  If you don’t’ know a word, it’s no longer necessary to drag out the ol’ 20 pound dictionary (I LOVED my beloved 20 pound dictionary.  LOVED.  Rest in peace, you big beautiful clunky tome).  Instead, click on it and your Kindle will tell you.  Or ask Siri. 

                  So my point is, change is happening at an infinity rate I say we all embrace it and make the best of this brave new world.  In a mindful sort of way, of course. 

                  For example, running short on time, I opted to go the Caesar salad in a bag route for my contribution today.  I was aware of my own time constraints, and I used knowledge of my present situation to best utilize my resources and to adapt.  Even if I don’t know or can’t make a salad “from scratch” (ok, it’s a little stretch), I KNOW WHERE TO FIND IT.  Fresh & Easy.  Emphasis on Easy, glad about the Fresh.  Sherlock would be doing little fictional cartwheels of joy if he could see me now, I just know it. 

                  But here’s where the mindful part comes in to play.  I knew how to solve my problem, but purchasing I’m also aware that my solution could have been more optional.  Purchasing the bag salads includes buying a bunch of plastic packaging, the excess of which is putting our environment in a terrible sort of condition.  My convenience comes at a cost.  Also, even though Caesar salads walk around like they’re all healthy and green and beautiful, the real part that ropes you in is the Caesar dressing, which is nutritionally void and the opposite of health.  Let’s not even get started on croutons.  So my simple solution bag salad is not without it’s pitfalls.  Like technology.  Like pretty much everything.

So here is my concise list of bag salad wisdom nuggets:

1.      Knowing how to find out what you need to know is more important than knowing it.

2.      Embrace experience.  A variety of life experience leads to improved adaptability.

3.      But don’t go ignoring the pitfalls.  There are always pitfalls.  Be aware.

                                                                                                            J Ms. Ingram

never forget

weeks ago debbie and i had dinner at gallagher's pub.  she ordered a cajun chicken salad that had some sort of grilled vegetable medley as a topper.  when the salad came out, the top of the salad was covered in sliced bananas.

bananas.

i was so thrown off i didn't even take a picture.  debbie immediately began eating all the bananas because, as she recalled later, she felt like they didn't belong there and she had to remove them as quickly as possible.

nothing was said by the waitress and, oddly enough, debbie and i remained so shocked and confused by the mysterious banana suprise that we didn't even inquire.  i thought for sure that some sort of confusion had taken place in the process of taking the order, but when the receipt came it revealed no strange add-ons. just cajun salad.

banana salad toppings on grilled vegetables.
that really happened.

growing pains

on the eve of my thirty-first year
freshly showered
sans makeup and bra
netflix
garlic breath
a calm night before a busy few days

also present:
3 fresh cat scratches,
2 brown bananas,
1 cup of coffee- brewing.

1.  the only thing i think i'm noticing about aging is the whole weird body thing.  my weird foot bump that surfaced a few years ago seemed to foreshadow the impending doom of the body-in-decay changes that start to happen after 30.  i feel like overnight, my metabolism screeched to a halt.  i had to stop wearing skinny jeans because my calves seem to have double in size.  what's with THAT?  and i'm starting to believe that those terrible rumors are true... once you're past 30 you just don't drop weight as easily.

2.  in most other ways- i feel no age at all, really.  things seem exciting and possible most days.

2.5.  OMG- my dear select readers.  do not share this with the outside world upon penalty of something grave and serious.  watch and you'll see why.  just.... enjoy.  and... you're welcome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHm7eTUOpPI


3.  yesterday i photographed my first wedding.  although i was unsure that i would enjoy wedding photography, i think i might have a heart for it afterall.  it was beautiful to share some of the behind the scenes excitement, and i get the pleasure of sharing the joy i captured with everyone once i finish editing.

4.  the wedding i photographed happened to be for 2 gay friends.  when i posted the teaser picture today, i noticed that i lost a "like" from my facebook business page soon after.  i expect that i will "lose" a few more in the next few days.

i just started up my business page two weeks ago.  i have nearly reached 200 likes (193 as of right now) and i feel really excited about using social media to reach more and more people.  some of my initial "likers" are people from the long ago christian past.  although i am still their facebook friends, i have hidden many of them from my newsfeed because of my irritation with the irrational and often offensive religious propaganda they fill their pages with.  many from that group are the type who would post "boycott starbucks because they donate money to planned parenthood" or whatever.  i wish it weren't so, but people really do sort of arrange themselves into "types"... and this type happens to be bigoted and closed minded.  because they've been out of sight and out of mind for so long, i've forgotten how extreme some of their views are.   i've become so comfortable and confident in my atheist skin, that i often forget that many people still don't know that aspect of my identity.  but thinking ahead, i had actually considered that posting a picture from a gay wedding might cause a little stir in that crowd.  it's not shocking when i think of it, but it is a little disappointing.  on one hand, that person is exercising the same right that i do when i hide people from my newsfeed.  we have every right to exercise an amount of control in what we expose ourselves to (my aunt kate situation, for example).  on the other hand, isolating ourselves from exposure to other ways of thinking is what LEADS to misunderstanding and the narrowmindedness that furthers hate and prejudice.  i hide that type of christian from my facebook feed because i've BEEN there and EXPERIENCED that world view, and i now understand it to be dangerous and problematic.  i'm nearly POSITIVE that the people i consider to be the most judgmental in that group do not even KNOW an outed gay person.  DO NOT EVEN KNOW ONE OPENLY GAY PERSON ON A PERSONAL LEVEL.  although the actions of the "unliker" and i are the same, i think that they come from a fundamentally different place.  i'm not really offended so much as sad.

5.  i have bunions.  and maybe arthritis.

5.5.  something witty!  something wonderful!

6.  having a lot of highs and lows with photography.  so pleased with some results.  so frustrated with myself for so many rookie mistakes.  i made the mistake (?) of looking at some of my earlier work the other day.  AHHHH- the lighting and color all wrong- just so much off.  it's good to see so much progress.  it's tough to know i still have a lot further to go.  i know i have the eye- but the eye isn't enough.   i feel like i would be growing so much more quickly if i more time to practice.  i should be shooting and studying tutorials every day.  it feels nearly impossible to carve out the time i'd like for it.  also, the more i make contacts, the more i'm realizing that there are handfuls upon handfuls of experienced and talented people in this area trying to do the same thing that i am.  that's a little intimidating.  i'm still trying to find my niche, but i find myself moving more and more toward Fine Art.  I love it, but the opportunities for profit are MUCH less open.  so i find myself in need of honing my skills in portrait settings to earn money to purchase equipment to do what i'd really like to do.

7.  MONEY IS TERRIBLE.  i keep thinking i'm getting ahead, and i find myself just scraping by.  forever.  how does anyone think of retirement or any of that shit?  feels impossible to save even the smallest amount a month, let alone huge chunks to live off from someday.

8.  typhoons.  tornadoes.  all that planning, all for naught.

9.

10.  i haven't read a book since Franny & Zooey a few months ago.  i HAVE watched all of Breaking Bad, 5 seasons of Mad Men and HUNDREDS of episodes of Cheers, among other things.  no regrets.  they stimulate my mind too.

11.  candy crush- level 66

12.  

it's true.

13.  people come and go.  sometimes stay.  

14.  we only get one.  we only get one.  it's both paralyzing and mobilizing.  violent swings between everything having such meaning and value  ----> everything being completely meaningless and having no value at all.  we can only be sure of our dying... so what are we to do with ourselves in the meantime?  i've been having fall time thoughts.

14.5.  sunday night dread in FULL effect.

15.  looking back- this was 30.

Brian

What about Brian?
Whose acne ridden face stared at me across the table in Religion class,
Whose incessant gum chewing did not mask his terrible, tinny breath,
One of few who wore cologne,
Who I always appreciated and never took seriously,
Who showed up at our five year with a blonde wife on his arm
Who came to visit at my dorm and sat around for an hour or more while I ignored him in favor of the Sims.
Who does not have Facebook
And may not even exist.

What about him?