known

We knew so many couples over the years through shared ceilings or floors or walls.  It seemed that some never made love, others never fought at all. At times we would bring the balance with carelessly loud love and sobbing, urgent arguments. Over time, we quieted too. Love became quieter, fighting gave way to silence. Careful acts of keeping words back.

I saw - last night with a new passenger. Probably going somewhere that I wouldn't even want to be. But regardless, it left me feeling vulnerable. Replaceable. Uncomfortably human.

Replaceable, despite my knowing better. But also, too, in truth.

Anxious dreams. Undone deeds. Unspoken words. Unknown ends. Uncontrollable others.

"so nothing's changed," - would say. maybe. probably. i'm losing that voice now.

"come on, i'm not that bad. i'm not as callused as all that," - might say. maybe.  perhaps.

I am losing my arm mass.  I suppose there is strength in definition.

define me sometimes.

to know true terror:  face a series of empty calendar days
with a conflicted and yearning heart.

all of the moment.  give me a month.  give me a minute or two.  temporary flashes of grief.  laid to rest.  limbo.  seeing myself through that open window, those first days that felt so impossibly free.  - is going, again, somewhere I don't want to be.  old thoughts.  old stories.  old bricks for familiar walls.

but can't I say, "good for - and company.  good for - and good for me."

?

all of it, so temporary.