felicity

tonight i spent some good hours with M.  she made me watch the pilot episode of Felicity, which I probably won't have any recollection of in a few years' time.  But there's a chance that I will remember something of the conversation that followed.  And on chance that I don't, here's a gist:

It involved fear and flow and not feeling grown up yet... not for lack of maturity or experience, but because our lives do not fit the pattern of our parents and so we have no precedent for what 30 as an independent, unmarried, childless person "should" or even could look like.  No house no husband no kids... the markers of adulthood we grew up observing do not apply to us.

And so we continue feeling caught up in some post pubescent haze, waiting to be grown up when we already are.  And not meeting those arbitrary markers makes us feel compelled to spend our time chasing some other types of markers- degrees or notoriety or... god knows... when really-

we've already grown
we're still growing,
but we're
already
there
in
so
many
senses.

we find ourselves afraid that in ten years' time our lives might still look the same.  afraid that we won't have achieved something more (?) greater (?).  but what IS that anyway?  what would that even look like?

what i know is that i've grown significantly in the last year in ways that i couldn't have anticipated.  what i know is that today i was content, and at moments even incredibly joyful.
what i know is that lately that has been the norm.

and if in ten years i can say the same thing-
even if things haven't changed in any award winning kind of way-
if i can say that i am content and sometimes joyful and growing...

isn't that more than just alright?  more than enough?

isn't that the goal?