i'll let you know when i get there

When it's very cold outside  but warm inside and I'm a little bit sad but safe.  That's my favorite part of living.

did that happen? did I almost drown in the ocean, unaware that I was at risk until the lifeguard was swimming toward me? do all of the contents of your life feel more and more like this as you get older?  like a story that happened to someone else.  like a scene from a movie, remembered hazily?  near death experiences remembered apatheicaly through a fog.  where does it go-  the feeling of living?