crawl

long hours of solitude.
reality is starting to sink in.
the absence-
the stretch of long hours ahead
to fill / to leave empty-
to navigate on a minute by minute basis sometimes.


yesterday i hopped on the metro to LA
no desire to be social, but the need to be surrounded.
met up with a friend
at a bar i'd never been to
on a street i'd never been to
in a city that will probably always feel foreign to me.

the trip on the metro was important to me somehow-
it meant saying yes.
it meant continuing to live and experience.
it meant trying.

and that was that.
no grand epiphany
but a filling of hours.
a conscious decision to
live
deliberately.
to crawl out of solitude when it starts to become isolation.
a wallflower- but a new wall.

and tonight i return to solitude. quiet.
familiar walls.
no grand epiphany-
an absence-
missing-

trying to rebuild a heart
with long hours
and no guarantees

a canvas
blank & scary

& beautiful.

i have so many terrific friends (gratitude)
i miss my friend (sadness)