i'll let you know when i get there

my body is wrecked and i am thinking so slowly but my heart is full and calm despite it all

This message from a friend says it better than i have the energy to articulate: (I have AMAZING friends) "my need for answers has been distilled simply to the need for assurance that if there are answers, they will find me before it's too late. before i fuck things up beyond repair. does God exist or is it the existence of a "god" that we need to keep us in line, compel us to be better, to be more, than we would be without that tension? why are we eaten alive by trivialities? why does every thing i (think i) know seem to contradict itself at unforseen crossroads? my friend's parents died in a plan crash last week. another friend's uncle committed suicide, leaving behind a note explaining their financial woes and how the life insurance money will fix everything. i can't find my compass. all the hypotheticals. the landslide of choices is crushing my ability to see clearly. i've given up Kierkegaard for Bukowski. i wonder if my inability/r...

Response to yesterday's post: When I read this, my heart started beating out of my chest. I realize that it was meant in jest to a degree, but this status was preceded and followed by other serious and strongly worded updates concerned with how terrible and immoral he feels the healthcare reform business is. I am troubled by this for many, many reasons. First, the obviously hypocritical nature of the statement. Second, the fact that so many people liked it. This includes one of my very good friends. As soon as she responded to the post, i texted her some of my thoughts on the issue. she apologized and said it that i was right and that it made her think, but she has yet to retract her comment. it is possible that she doesn't know how). This bothers me because it indicates that this was not just an idiotic statement made from one person, but an idiotic statement that many people of like mind agree with and applaud. Third, although he may have been joking, this sort of entitlemen...

..Matthew B ... I cannot take credit for this prayer as i am not the author but it is definitely one i am beginning to pray on a daily basis: Dear Lord, This past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcet, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just want you to know that Obama is my favorite President! Yesterday at 10:27am · Comment · Like 6 people like this. Lindsey i think that is really messed up. Yesterday at 1:17pm · Rob Messed up. Yes. Reminds me of an awful bumper sticker I saw: Pray for Obama, Psalms 109:8... Yesterday at 3:21pm Kathleen Very funny, I like this! Yesterday at 6:56pm Jessica love this, thanks for sharing this beautiful prayer!!

sad hours seem long

sudden plunge cold then adjust skin learns itself in new surroundings let those toes find and search the floor & lightness will bring you up again. brave enough to sink light enough to float Also: I got my passport in the mail today. Also: started the music collaboration last night. Also: summer might be as difficult as it is wonderful. a lot of time for thinking means enough time to actually start to process and figure. Also: feeling a little melancholic.

I have every reason to still be confused and overwhelmed, but the storm has been tempered for the last few weeks. Same questions, same confusion, but muted somehow. A little part of me can understand how people live whole lives filled with slow commutes to and from work and whole nights in front of the television. It is so much easier on many many levels. But for whatever reason, it will never be enough for this little heart or brain. So, I've been pushing myself in the smallest ways. I ran for five whole minutes two days ago. My legs were ridiculously achy yesterday as a result. Today I will try again. It's a start. Tonight I record. I'm mostly excited and a little nervous- mostly because this type of creation will be a totally new experience. All I have to work with are eight lines of lyrics, a general mood, and all the musical toys we could need. From there branch hundreds of possibilities. Concerning health and fitness: Right before breaking point (you kn...

this was last week and it was good and this week is about to begin and i already wish it finished. thinking about the everything starting from a single nothing. arrow of time. what makes sense and what we will never be able to wrap our puny evolving craniums around. wishing for time to feel young as i am. today started good but grew to a dread. tell me a story about all our days & i will rest so well.

San Francisco: refreshing no beat to march to no drone of hours or long minute hands but the call of the moment unbridled laughter ache and rest for the weary heart a few days to set questions aside. the answers are coming on their own time. i want freedom here: new lines by my eyes my face is falling off while my mind was occupied my youth and health bowed out in philadelphia i looked in the mirror and saw an old woman staring back at me but i chased that girl i chased that girl i chased that free spirit to the west coast i found her resilient and waiting this old woman knows that she is not lost but deserving and demands pursuit. i want to purge my concerns down to basic survival mind body heart survival i want to quit everything and chase her down why does security for an old someday woman take priority over taking care of that free free spirit girl? walk sing create daydream swim run eat my vegetables nap travel stay laugh doodle stay up late and sleep all day