i'll let you know when i get there

I saw a news segment once concerning what had been found to be the happiest country in the world (that year, anyway). Denmark or Sweden or Iceland or something was the big winner. After some exploration as to possible factors in their :)s, they traced it to the fact that a temperament founded on low expectations seemed to be the norm in this country. Pessimism (realism?) was the seeming cause of their overall contentedness. Not that they walked around cursing life all day... just that they expected very little from life or from anyone else.... So when life produced anything above dull/drab/sad (none of which were huge let downs), it was a great surprise and a source of joy. Today was a good day, if only because I expected that it would be much more difficult than it was. :)

Everything falls apart Everything changes Everything falls apart Everything changes I woke up and the world was spinning I woke up and it won't stop spinning. Was it always spinning? Is it even spinning? The center did not hold The weight of it all Forget what you've been told And watch it fall Let it fall.

What if this is not a matter of recovery? Not something to be recovered Not something runaway Or misplaced That might one day be returned by a friend Or show up unannounced on my doorstep? What if a cup has tipped And its contents Will remain Forever anywhere Except back in the cup in the same way again?

everything is heavy today. these days do not always announce themselves. terrified of everything. everything.

I cry watching American Idol . Every time. As phony as the show may be, they sometimes capture authentic moments when people recognize their own potential.... moments when they see goodness.... when they acknowledge something in themselves that they were afraid to be proud of. It moves me. I have a similar reaction when I watch little nerd teenagers interact with their friends. In all of this wondering and wanting to analyze and know why, I hope I don't lose appreciation for the ability to feel without justification. The justification is there, usually... but there's no need to bust out a powerpoint in the middle of a moment. ya know? All the words that were said I will wait to hear someday and I'll remember that they are true.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." -Elephants romp around this earth freely. There are elephants outside of zoos just doin' their thing at this very moment. -There are whole communities of animal species that never ever ever come into contact with humans. They are out there or under there or up there doin' their thing at this very moment. -Huge ram horns, locked in battle for highest ranking amongst females.... the drive to reproduce is FASCINATING. Why? Why is it such an innate desire and need in people and animals to pass on their genes? Where does that come from ? 1. Survival... but how is that imbedded in animals who are not able to comprehend that generations and generations will carry on after their own deaths. 2. Intelligent design... implying that the passing on of genes signifies a refinement that is moving toward something... but if so, toward what? are we just a means to an end? 3. S...

TED Blog: Rev. Tom Honey on TED.com "In the end, the only thing I could say for sure was, "I don't know." And that might be the most profoundly religious statement of all."

that is how my morning started. as i was walking around my first block of the day and noticing that, based on the reading check quiz answers i was seeing, only half of my girls actually had a clue what we'd be talking about, the day seemed like it might continue to get more frustrating. but as i waited for them to finish their quizzes, i made an 11th hour, day-changing decision. today i segregated all my classes. basic lesson (i hope) they learned through the experience: it is not a right to mooch off the work and ideas of others. participating in class discussion is a privilege earned by actually doing the reading and having something thoughtful to contribute when you come to class. amen foreva. result: from the crowd who spent the class working independently to redo a quiz for half credit that they should have easily passed- annoyed... at themselves. from the group who got to circle up for class discussion- more willingness to contribute... sense of camaraderie... shy gir...

Regarding the whole “leap of faith” thing- Sometimes faith is distinguished as faith because it concerns something that cannot be seen. In that sense, we act on faith all the time in our day to day lives. Entering my cc number online to purchase something is an act of faith. I cannot see the virtual signals and numbers moving through wirelessness. I know that the end result is a package on my doorstep, but I do not monitor the whole process, and don’t really know the first thing about how technology works in that sense. I don’t need to, either. But I also know that I COULD know how it works if I wanted to find out. In other ways, I guess faith could be belief in something seemingly impossible, or improbable. The first examples that come to my mind seem to be hope rather than faith. Going through a crisis, you might “have faith” that things will work out for the best… but isn’t that really just hope? Wishing? Perh...

At 2 a.m. the neighbor through the paper thin wall woke me up out of a deep sleep by playing this trying-to-be-sexy song with a horrendous base line. Apparently at some point between fumbling for ear plugs and cursing the stars I scribbled down these lines. Now presenting... straight from my near subconscious.... stay up later ease into the dayer if you pleaser baby cheek squeezer all the songs from back when i was don't quite mean as much all or nothing and not enough listening to the base line DUH! DUH! DUH! hammering into my sleeping thoughts. as soon as i'm fully awake it'll stop. i read what you wrote and i set it aside. i read what you wrote and i set it aside.

want to lay on my back facing up and skipskipskip out of this circle want to tell people i love them without having to call want to read it and write it and do it and make it Thoreau lost me toward the middle and end, but I'll go back to the beginning again and again. A lot of thoughts, but (although there's been time) not time enough to articulate. Good, though. good.

Dead weight begone! Light like a whole day to myself! Light like no second guessing! Light like letting it be! Light like saying, "We are friends, what is your name?"! Light like calling off work on account of health! Light like a coffee refill at 9p.m. with no consequence! Light like my so called life on hulu! Light like assessing true limits and choosing freedom within them! Light like liking! Light like careful old man steps! Light as I choose to be!

Thoreau said "simplify" and what is it that you really need? separate what is just dead weight from the lightness of your being... i could not contain my yes yes tomorrow i will wake up at the last possible minute which will still be a minute in a ridiculous hour and i will drive in my car and consume my calories and cups just to make it past noon when i will try to regain the rest i need so that i can stay awake to watch with consternation at hours winding down as late becomes later than it should be again. there is weight we cannot escape and there is weight we choose. thinking of you thinking of no one thinking of the weight of a hundred breaking hearts only one of them my own.