another dream:

i found myself signed up to do another year with NET ministries. for some reason, i was already in minnesota, and it was the first week of training where we do activities and they put us on teams. on the outside, i was going through the motions, but inside i was so disoriented. what was i doing there? i didn't belong there anymore. i'm an atheist, for christ's sake. how did i find myself here signed up for another year of work for a cause i didn't believe in? there was just this overwhelming feeling like this wasn't a place where i belonged or wanted to be anymore. apparently i had signed up for another year, but i just couldn't feel good about going through with it. i'd outgrown it. everyone around was excited and happy about all the activities, and all i could think was "how do i get back to california? how am i supposed to get back to my life?" i was trying to figure out a way to tell the supervisors that i just didn't belong there anymore. somehow, i had my car with me at the training. rather than tell anyone, i got in my car and drove away. no more thoughts of "what are they going to do without me on the team?" or "but i signed up for a year..." i just knew i needed to get back to california. i was driving on a dirt road surrounded by greenery. i stopped off to look at a map and was trying to decide if i was supposed to fly back on an airplane (but then how would i get my car back to use?) or to try to drive the whole way back by myself (so exhausting and so uncertain). while i was standing on the side of the road a car full of some girls pulled over. i don't know what they were doing, but i explained my situation and asked for help. they were really giggly and distracted. i asked if one of them could give me their phone number so that i could call if i got lost, and one started to tell me a number but stammered, and i could tell she was lying to me- giving me a false number. i quickly ended the conversation and started climbing through the woods a little to see if i could figure out where i was. -my subconscious is working overtime, it seems, to help me make sense of things while i sleep. so much about belonging. so much about finding myself in a familiar place that i no longer feel good about investing in-