i used to log countless hours babysitting for free for this family with a handful of kids. i volunteered. i loved it. something about christian charity and community. something about training for the role i thought was waiting for me around the corner. like most kids in really big families, they were supremely self sufficient. once in awhile i'd catch quiet moments when all the diapers were changed and clothes folded and kids occupied. after finishing the dishes, i'd start on scrubbing at the griminess that collected around the faucet handles and sink borders. it's amazing how it collects! and then i'd start to see the little collections of grime everywhere. no one probably even touched the grime in the blur of full house living, but i noticed. i would start in one little area and scrub incessantly, leaving a contrast that compelled me to work on other corners. i'd stand there for long stretches of time scrubbing my heart out, wondering when the last time it had seen a sponge, when it would see one next... and if my efforts would even be noticed.
what a strange time in my life- rushing to practice for a role and a kitchen sink that i was sure the good lord was preparing me for. i can't say bad or good- just strange. some aspects make me cringe. even if now i can say that i wish i had dreamed bigger... dreamed differently back then... i can't say it was all a wash. i also know that spending time with all those huge christian families (even for all their chaos and oddities and ridiculous beliefs and traditions) taught me an awful lot about the kind of love that overlooks things like kitchen grime... things that, in the end, are really not really worth so much notice anyway. not when you're surrounded by love and other things that matter a lot.
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also, there was that girl who lived with us for a summer at christian college who was knee deep in unrequited love for this nerdy guy that looked kind of like toby mcguire. she was just entranced; sure that there was no other man on the whole earth better suited for her than he was, if only he would realize it. i suppose we all had one of those gods in our lives. the level of idolatry was absurd to the extreme- delusional, even. good thing (for hers and mine) that the gods never reciprocated. the level of perfection we esteemed them to was doomed to morph into severe disappointment.
anyway, this girl would get this far away look in her eye when she was talking about him that was kind of creepy- and she would just marvel at every stupid word or move the nerdman would make. i remember in particular that she went on and on about how they had washed dishes together (together! TOGETHER! HE had washed dishes WITH her! what a man! jesus christ made over. perfection). The thing that had REALLY struck her, though, and the thing that made her SURE that he was perfect for her was the fact that he had put down the sponge and ran his hand over the plate to make sure there was no food remaining that wasn't easy to spot. What attention to DETAIL! how SENSITIVE and THOUGHTFUL!
really? we cling to the smallest things.
anyway, she married some other nerd and probably thanks jesus every night and dirties dishes just to wash them. i've spent some years learning a little more about the world and myself and human beings and put the little dreams of grimy kitchen sinks aside. not now but not never- not some idealized everything... just something maybe someday.
as it should be.
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