casa whatever

And that man and that woman at Casa whatever. That woman. toothless, gaping mouth. bug eyes, glazed. out of her goddamned mind and barely functioning.

i honest to god had to stop eating for awhile after i looked at her for a few seconds. just her presence disturbed me. made me uneasy. disgusted and ashamed for being disgusted. tried to smile at her then felt ridiculous for smiling at her. like the effort was so obvious. could she even see me?

and that man! that goddamn man! who fed his wife or whoever bite by bite. helped her drink from a fucking sippycup. and fucking smiled all the while and caught my eye and just beamed at me. just beamed.

how the hell does he conquer even one day?

i suppose you just do.

But, smiling?

and as we leave he smiled toward me again- can hardly help but speak (desperate for interaction? genuine?). "how'd you get to be so lucky?" he calls to J. chuckle. beam. "Or, what's wrong with you?" to me. chuckle chuckle.

That is some question.

and he just smiled and beamed next to his decrepit wife or whoever. and i smiled a stupid smile and couldn't even find one word to say. couldn't even verbalize one thought (like someone else at his table. (horror)).

and what i should have done is hugged him. or asked his name. but, genuine or desperate or genuinely desperate, i didn't trust him. automatically suspicious. leery of motives. i don't trust anyone much anymore.

what is wrong with me.