to give the blur a border

..."Is it really so difficult simply to accept everything that one has been brought up on and that has gradually struck deep roots- what is considered truth in the circle of one's relatives and of many good men, and what, moreover, really comforts and elevates man? Is that more difficult than to strike new paths, fighting the habitual, experiencing the insecurity of independence and the frequent wavering of one's feelings and even one's conscience, proceeding often without any consolation, but ever with the eternal goal of the true, the beautiful, and the good? Is it decisive after all that we arrive at THAT view of God, world, and reconciliation which makes us feel most comfortable? Rather, is not the result of his inquiries something wholly indifferent to the true inquirer? Do we after all seek rest, peace, and pleasure in our inquiries? No, only truth- even if it be the most abhorrent and ugly....
Here the ways of men part: if you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then inquire..."
-Nietzsche, Letter to his Sister

a quick look in the rearview:

2008- a long string of subconscious hiccups hastened to announce themselves all at once. my center fell out. in an instant? in a week? an eternity. whatever the source, it was. it was intensely.

2009- first: white knuckles through the aftermath. blur. then: the wreckage steadied but remained. it had not been a nightmare.

2010- picking up and inspecting every little piece. fragile.

The first few weeks of this year have been marked by an overwhelming feeling of unrest and constraint. I am struggling. Lack of stamina. Need more solitude and leisure than responsibilities allow. Need.

The need to take responsibility for my happiness has been a prominent theme lately. I make a conscious effort not to do things I do not want to do.

Potential reaction 1: how trite

Potential reaction 2: shock! gasp! how utterly selfish of you.

Rebuttal 1: on the contrary. pay attention to how often you find yourself doing things you do not want to do throughout the day. entertaining small talk when you'd rather be silent. calling people not because you want to, but because you feel the pressure or responsibility to... on and on. assessing situations based on whether or not i want to be in them has challenged me to consider my motives. am i kind because i recognize it as good, or because i feel socially compelled to "act" kind? do i call my mom because i genuinely want to have a conversation with her, or because i feel guilty for not calling more often? i've found that honoring socially imposed social responsibilities before honoring my own wants and needs leads me to feel unjustifiably resentful toward others. nobody wins, and resentment requires more emotional energy than my fragility can afford.

Rebuttal 2: focusing on my own needs first is selfish. and necessary. and good. putting my own needs first doesn't negate acts of compassion, consideration, or generosity. it means that those acts will be authentic. honoring the needs of others at the expense of your own isn't charity, and it isn't generosity. it is suicide. yes, I have been reading Rand. *shock, gasp*

AND SO...

Despite the fact that I have work to be doing... or that I could be getting ahead for my graduate class... I am starting this as a means of answering to a want and a need to grapple with the "why." I am starting this today, Thursday (Thursdays have been tough), because I cried a little bit on my way home from work and couldn't name why. I am starting this today to give the blur a border. I am starting this today because I want to.

Not sure where this is headed.

I'll let you know when I get there.